Thursday, September 3, 2009
I tell my girls that I teach colorguard to all the time that when they are at rehearsal that it is the ONLY thing in the world they have to worry about right then. They should drop all of their days worries and mishappenings, and focus solely on the flagwork, solely on the performance. It doesnt matter if your mom screamed at you, your boyfriend broke up with you, or if you and your best friend are fighting...ALL you have to worry about for the few hours you are at practice is spinning your flag. I always tell them this should be a relief...not to have to focus on anything else.
The same thing applies to spiritual life. God knows we have things going on, He knows we have lives...its the way He designed it, but when we come before Him we should drop it all and be fully in the moment. Fully engaged, fully surrendered to HIM! Why cant I take my own advice to my girls, and embrace the time with the Lord and drop everything else. He is the center, He is the core, He is what makes everything else work...so why dont I put more care into the thing that makes the whole sha-bang run? I just was struck with this tonight...I mean...I just dont get myself sometimes. My brain and my heart are in a constant struggle.
Anyway! All glory to the Lord who is more gracious than I deserve and more understanding than I can even know.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I dont want this... "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth". -Revelation 3:16
Lord, help me get out of my own way...because Satan is hardly a battle for you.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Thank you DC Talk. It's funny when you realize that someone has written just what you are feeling...it shows me that I am not alone. Its a struggle. My relationship with the Lord is a struggle. Its hard to keep it up. To continue following him when I want to go my own way. Its a thin line....the wrestling match that goes on within me between my sinful nature and the Holy Spirit. I was listening to a message online from Northpoint Church, and it really spoke what i needed to hear. I have been so out of it. So far from where God desires me to be. And things keep happening in my life that I dont want to happen, or that I know arent right, and I wonder why. But it is then that I realize its a direct product of my distance from the Lord. But, this message, it was...good to hear to say the least. He talked about how the battle never goes away. No matter how much you grow in your faith, temptation will still be present. Your sinful nature will still have hold of you. Its literally a fight to the death. I needed to be reminded of that. Because I get so down on myself for succumbing to my sinfulness, and not that I shouldnt, but I begin to feel defeated when it happens, when I am not perfect. And I shouldnt. The fight will be raging my whole life. And, sure, I am gonna lose many battles, but the war has already been won. I am Christ's...He is my Savior. So, no matter how many times I fail, I have to remember that there are more fights to be fought, and if I keep sitting on my butt, pitying myself, and burying my head deeper and deeper into the darkness that sin pulls over me, then I am going to keep losing. And I dont like losing. It never goes away...the thin line never goes away. Sinful Nature and the Holy Spirit will always be raging within me, I just have to be more committed to fighting for the right cause instead of giving up so easily. Though I know how the war will end, it will be all the sweeter if there are many battles won along the way. So...I am gonna keep fighting.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I have decided to follow Jesus...No turning back, no turning back.
Though I may wonder, I still will follow...No turning back, no turning back.
The world behind me, the cross before me...No turning back, no turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow...No turning back, no turning back.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Regardless of how I have changed, there are still things like a strong foundation in Christ and a willingness to be a leader in the relationship that I will always find non-negotiable. It's just so hard to find a guy who can step up and be those things. Finding someone who gets me-because it can be a little complex sometimes-and can make me laugh, and loves my family, and has a good heart is hard enough. But atop all of that, for them to have to meet these requirements that God has set before me, which I know full well will make for a stronger marriage, makes my job ALL the harder.
I am patient...a little restless...but patient waiting for him. I just need to stop hearing that he is fictional. A guy who loves the Lord, serves Him before me, gets me, loves me, and can care for me EXISTS. I know he does, so stop telling me he doesn't.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will not fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand".
I found this verse today in Psalms and it gave me hope. I have been in such a low lately, and I find that when you are down, you become so much more susceptible to Satan's lies. Unknowingly, I have believed in some of the things he has been telling me. Mostly that I am a disappointment to God, because I haven't been on top of my spiritual game. Though I know it does sadden the Lord to see me further from Him than He would like, I know in my heart that He DELIGHTS in me. And better yet, that He holds my hand when I inevitably stumble and fall. I cant walk alone. Though sometimes I feel like I am, by my own design, I know that the Father is still there. He directs my steps, and holds my hand. I needed to be reminded of that. I am gonna mess things up in this life. I am. It will happen. But, there is nothing I can do to escape the Father's delight for me and my life. Praise the Lord of the creatures whom deserve His mercy not at all, but daily receive it and it's blessings.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Oh and for His returning we watch and we pray
Yes we will be ready the dawn of that day
And we'll join in singing with all the redeemed
Cause Satan is vanquished and our Jesus is King
So come let us sing a song
A song declaring that we belong to Jesus
Oh, that He is all we need, yeah
So lift up a heart of praise
Sing now with voices raised to Jesus
Oh, and sing to the King.
The Lord showed me something tonight, and for it, I am eternally grateful. Praise be to God.
1. When I try to order jackets from a company for the Berry winterguard and the company doesnt get back to me. I send them the artwork, then dont hear from them for a week. I go in there and they are all "sorry" they neglected me....say they are gonna check on prices for me...then dont call me back for two weeks. I then proceed to have to call them everyday when they say they will CALL ME to make sure they are doing their jobs and getting my order processed.
2. When I order uniforms at the beginning of November for the Berry winterguard, and the school doesnt fill the invoice until a month later on Dec. 8th.
3. When the company that FINALLY gets their money in december tells me it will be "6-8 weeks" for production and 9 weeks later they inform me they are STILL behind because they are "understaffed and overbooked"...I am empathetic, I really am, BUT COME ON! They just called me to say they are overnighting them a few minutes ago. My girls were the ONLY ones last weekend without their uniforms...that makes me and more importantly THEM, look bad. UGHHH!
4. Listening to the Mozart Requiem. It is not solemn and peaceful...it is jolting, stressful, and chaotic. Fugues do NOT help a stressful situation.
5. When Musselwhite proceeds to give you a reality check about grad. school and how much you DONT know. I appreciate him so much for doing his job, but oh my gosh, I am already under so much pressure, and now this? He told me I need to prioritize school and winterguard. And I know my career is important, but...I dont want to stop marching! I am good at guard...way better than I am at music. And I like to do things I am good at. gah, now I have to analyze my life and priorities, and figure out what I want for myself in life.
6. When Musselwhite wants to give me experience in front of a choir and tells me he is going to purposefully be 5-10 minutes late tomorrow so I can warm the choir up. OH! okay! Thats not last minute!
7. When my sister is due to have my nephew at ANY MINUTE and I have winterguard rehearsal this weekend, which I really cant miss...but WILL if she has her baby. Which will then proceed to get me in a TON of trouble with my director. GAH!
Lord, I cant. I absolutely cant. Please, Father, help me. If I try to do this all by myself I will fail. I need you. I love you. Hear my cries!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
"And yet the reason you don't have what you want is that you don't ask God for it". -James 4:2
I like this verse...mostly because it makes me feel like I should get everything I ask for, haha!...UNTIL I read the verse right after it, which I found tonight was conveniently NOT HIGHLIGHTED in my bible like the verse before it had been...
"...And even when you do ask, you don't get it because your whole motive is wrong- you only want what will give you pleasure". -James 4:3
I think that's the part I miss. I am all gung-ho about asking God for things...but are my motives always pure? I think not. So that is where I found myself tonight...lying on the floor....praying that God would search my heart, and my motives and make them what they should be. I want to be well, and I prayed a lot for that to happen, but ya know, if God doesnt want me to get over this cold by tomorrow in time for my recital...then it wont happen. And I have to accept that. Sometimes God teaches us more in times of discomfort. I would rather grow more dependent spiritually on the Lord because I am sick, than to be well and singing. I mean really, what's more important here? I know the answer to that. And that's why I say...
" How do you know what will happen tomorrow? For your life is like the morning fog- it's here a little while and then its gone. What you ought to say is 'If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that'. Otherwise, you will be boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil". - James 4:14-16
Wow...yeah thats pretty much it for me right now. Thats where I am.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
God, I need you. I say you are the most important thing to me, but I am putting so much above you. I strive daily to make all the different things in my life feel like they are the most important thing I do. But, why dont I strive to put you on a pedestal too? Its so backwards. I know what I should do...and yet, I dont do it. I know what I need, and yet I dont ask you for it. I know what you want, yet I do the opposite. Lord...Father, please. Give me rest. I cant do it all on my own. You are way more important than colorguard, than school, than men, than my family...than anything! And I am going to get really lost if I keep neglecting you.
Monday, January 26, 2009
God, give me your wisdom, insight and peace. Why am I trying to do it all alone? You said you would carry my burdens, so why am I trying to be a hero and do it myself? You are enough for me. You are.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
God grant me peace. I need it.