Lord, I wanna yearn for you

Its so hard, I have found, to drop all that I do and just focus on God. He has blessed me with such an ability to multi-task and do many things, but sometimes its difficult, especially in moments of worship, to drop all those things and focus solely on Him. My mind races with all of the things I do, going through lists of tasks needed to be accomplished, things I have already completed, worries for things to come that I forget to just worship.

I tell my girls that I teach colorguard to all the time that when they are at rehearsal that it is the ONLY thing in the world they have to worry about right then. They should drop all of their days worries and mishappenings, and focus solely on the flagwork, solely on the performance. It doesnt matter if your mom screamed at you, your boyfriend broke up with you, or if you and your best friend are fighting...ALL you have to worry about for the few hours you are at practice is spinning your flag. I always tell them this should be a relief...not to have to focus on anything else.

The same thing applies to spiritual life. God knows we have things going on, He knows we have lives...its the way He designed it, but when we come before Him we should drop it all and be fully in the moment. Fully engaged, fully surrendered to HIM! Why cant I take my own advice to my girls, and embrace the time with the Lord and drop everything else. He is the center, He is the core, He is what makes everything else work...so why dont I put more care into the thing that makes the whole sha-bang run? I just was struck with this tonight...I mean...I just dont get myself sometimes. My brain and my heart are in a constant struggle.

Anyway! All glory to the Lord who is more gracious than I deserve and more understanding than I can even know.

Sickness

I get sick A LOT! I was sick two weeks ago, and now I am beginning to get sick again. This is NOT cool....I have way too much of a life right now to be ill. BOO!

Finding him

It has been on my mind so much lately. Finding a husband. But not in the "freak-out, desperate girl" kind of way, but in the "I have no idea when God is going to bring him and thats frightening" kind of way. I know there is a lot I have left to do in terms of my relationship with the Lord before I get invested in a serious relationship. And by "left to do" I mean growth in the Father. I have a lot to learn and I know this. God is teaching me dependence on Him. I am not the best of students when it comes to God's lessons, however. I am a smarty pants in school, mostly A's....but if God gave me a grade on how well I have been relying on him for my happiness and relying on him for my fulfillment this past year...I would fail. And that still seems generous. I say I trust the Lord, but yet I continually find myself trying to think of a backup in case God "messes it up" and doesnt give me what I want out of life. How crazy am I? I cant imagine the life God has for me...He dreams such greater things for me than I do. So...I am learning to believe in that. Learning to trust in that. Learning to not try to plan my love life. Its hard, because I dont want to miss him...you know the man God has for me...but I really dont think God would let that happen. I am a controller...I like to be in charge...this is no surprise to those who know me. But, if I want to find happiness and fulfillment in this life, I have GOT to let go of these "plans" I have for how it will be. They only mess me up. Goodness...for all I know the Lord wants me to be single for the rest of my life...or the next ten years...that thought mortifies me, but I think God wants me to come to terms with the fact that I just DONT KNOW what he has got planned. If I can come to the place where being with the Lord is enough for me...then anything else will only be more icing on a perfectly iced cake. Ahh...God is trying to teach me...I just have to stop being a planner.

Life right now...

So its tough. I am seriously in a war right now. And I cant decide who with. Is it myself? Is it God? Is it Satan? I just know that the moment I start to draw close to the Lord, I get pulled away...or I drift away? Its so blurry, I cant even tell. I just know my true heart is after the Lord. And I get distracted by this world, and it frustrates me. It makes me angry at myself when I dont do what I know I should do, and I dont think like I know I should think. I find such joy in spending time with God, so what I dont understand is why I dont do it more often. Its not work. Or at least I shouldnt think of it that way. I have all of this time on my hands, being summer and all, and yet I am still so absent from quiet times with the Lord. WHY DO I DO THAT? What am I battling against. I know God wants me nearer to him...I know I want to be...so is it Satan? That feels like such a cop-out...to blame some outside force for my negligence...but I cant explain why I am being so stupid. I need to push through this time right now, because its honestly the hardest it has ever been to maintain a healthy, deep relationship with God...the relationship I WANT...I yearn for...I so deep down desire.

I dont want this... "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth". -Revelation 3:16

Lord, help me get out of my own way...because Satan is hardly a battle for you.

Pain

Oww, it really hurts. Like deep inside, pain. Why does it have to be like this? Why do I always have to go for the same guys. This is time number three where this has happened. I dont want to be hardened, but when it keeps happening, its hard not to be. My heart aches. More than it should....but it literally aches within me. There are so many reasons why that feeling should be gone, so many reasons he gave me not to care, but I still feel this way. Because when I care for someone, it isnt shallow, and conditional. DANG IT. Thats what sucks. When you love unconditionally, you get soooo hurt. Because humans arent perfect and they do crap to hurt you. Unconditional love doesnt care what your mind says...it just feels. I dont want to feel. I dont want to hurt. Losing a friend is the worst feeling. I wish I could simply not care. I wish it didnt matter. I wish I was shallow....but I am not. So my heart aches.

Costa rica

I am sitting in the computer lab in the university´s music dept. I go to rehearse with my accompanist in a few minutes because we have to perform in a recital on Friday afternoon. I mean...I would prefer not to...but I guess its part of coming down here. We are going to sightsee later this afternoon, which should be fun. Yesterday was exhausting. We got here at noon local time and went to the hotel, which was about 45 minutes from the airport. Then we walked through the university, which is literally RIGHT ACROSS THE CALLE from our hotel, to get to some food. We ate a late lunch at a little costa rican cafe. It was alright. I am all about trying new things, and I am really trying to use my spanish. So, I ordered a cheese quesadilla, which would have been great, if it didnt come with mayonaisse all over it. Haha...I hate that crap, btw. So I had to make do. The hotel is beautiful. There will be pictures later. Umm...all in all its been great so far. We went to a concert last night at the university of Latin Jazz...it was really impressive...but by 7pm when it started we had been going nonstop so we were all so tired. I went to bed at 9:30 local time...which means I had been up for about 19 hours. yikes. But it was good cause then I got up at 8am today...so yay for getting up early and not wanting to kill myself. Okay...thats all I got. More to come later

Words from the Lord

The battle is worth it. The battle is what makes the victory all the sweeter.

Recurring Nightmare

It happened again...ya know. The nightmare where I for SOME REASON decide to do drum corps again. Its not a dream, its a nightmare. Everyone always jokes with me about my time at drum corps and how I hated it so much. But its so much more than that. Sure, I loved doing colorguard, I will always love that, but it was something I cant even describe. The true feelings I had my last few weeks there are almost indescribable. It was a combination of feeling trapped and unable to control my own life, and just general unhappiness. I knew I couldnt quit. That was what was hardest. Knowing I hated something, but also knowing my responsibility to the group was more important than my own happiness. Thats why hurting my shoulder, as bad as it felt, was one of the best things that happened to me last summer. Sometimes I tell myself it wasnt so bad, because it wasnt terrible all of the time, but I just put on a brave front. I fooled myself into thinking I was loving it, when inside I was hating it. The feeling in my gut when I think about going back is so awful. Thats why last night was a nightmare. And as luck would have it, I slept for 12 hours, which WOULD HAVE BEEN LOVELY, if I werent having the awful, dreaded "Drum Corps" nightmare. And the whole time in the nightmare I was thinking "Why in the world did I let myself come back here? What was I thinking? I am trapped again!"Its just so indescribably awful. My last day of drum corps I spent laying on the floor of a dirty locker room in Florida crying, nay, SOBBING my eyes out knowing I needed to go home for my health, but not wanting to disappoint everyone there. It wasnt until I got hurt that I realized how miserable I was. When you are sitting on the sidelines you have a lot of time to think. I have never felt more pitiful and humiliated than I did that last day. I was begging, literally begging the staff for permission to leave....well not really permission, but more their blessing. Thats humbling. And the thing was I didnt even care at the time. I was so unhappy, I just had to get out. It was.... horrible. I have this nightmare at least 4 times since last July. I hate it more than anything.

I wanna so I will

I want things to be different...so I am gonna make them different. Why do I have to live with something I dont want to be true? I dont. I can change it. I can change how I feel. I can. I will.

It never goes away

"What's goin on inside of me? I despise my own behavior. This only serves to confirm my suspicions that I'm still a man in need of a Savior"

Thank you DC Talk. It's funny when you realize that someone has written just what you are feeling...it shows me that I am not alone. Its a struggle. My relationship with the Lord is a struggle. Its hard to keep it up. To continue following him when I want to go my own way. Its a thin line....the wrestling match that goes on within me between my sinful nature and the Holy Spirit. I was listening to a message online from Northpoint Church, and it really spoke what i needed to hear. I have been so out of it. So far from where God desires me to be. And things keep happening in my life that I dont want to happen, or that I know arent right, and I wonder why. But it is then that I realize its a direct product of my distance from the Lord. But, this message, it was...good to hear to say the least. He talked about how the battle never goes away. No matter how much you grow in your faith, temptation will still be present. Your sinful nature will still have hold of you. Its literally a fight to the death. I needed to be reminded of that. Because I get so down on myself for succumbing to my sinfulness, and not that I shouldnt, but I begin to feel defeated when it happens, when I am not perfect. And I shouldnt. The fight will be raging my whole life. And, sure, I am gonna lose many battles, but the war has already been won. I am Christ's...He is my Savior. So, no matter how many times I fail, I have to remember that there are more fights to be fought, and if I keep sitting on my butt, pitying myself, and burying my head deeper and deeper into the darkness that sin pulls over me, then I am going to keep losing. And I dont like losing. It never goes away...the thin line never goes away. Sinful Nature and the Holy Spirit will always be raging within me, I just have to be more committed to fighting for the right cause instead of giving up so easily. Though I know how the war will end, it will be all the sweeter if there are many battles won along the way. So...I am gonna keep fighting.

I am very frustrated.

Frustrated with myself, with the situation...with it all. I went to the dance studio and just danced...and this is what came out. I feel it's really appropriate right now.

WGI

So, I just spent the last 4 days in Dayton, OH at World Championships...and it was wonderful. I got to see all of these amazing colorguards, and my guard competed as well! Not only did we perform in prelims, but we made it to FINALS! This was such a great accomplishment for us, as we placed 4th last year in our class and were consequently bumped up to our current class. The "Open class" where we were moved to is much more competitive and demanding, and our highest aspiration was to merely hold our own, and possibly make finals. My own personal goal was to make finals and not be in 15th place, the last ones in. Well, we accomplished ALL of these goals! We went into finals tied for 12th place! It ended with us in 13th, but who even cares! We had a great run of the show, and I can really find no reason to be upset about our placement. The only thing that kinda bummed me out was the fact that they changed the schedule up this year and had Independent guards go first in finals, from 10am-12pm, and the Scholastic guards go second from 12pm-2pm. There are less people there to watch your show in the morning, and I LOVE performing to a big crowd. But, oh well...there were still hundreds there. All in all...great week. UTTERLY EXHAUSTING, but great. I got 4 hours of sleep on Friday night and 3 hours on Saturday night...even though I slept over 12 hours last night, I still feel the need to catch up...so right now I am going to go take a nap. :-)

"Its a little bit funny....

this feeling inside"...okay so not to quote lyrics, like I so lamely did...but it is kinda funny how your relationship with God DIRECTLY correlates to who you spend your time with and how much you read his Word. I have found myself way less than satisfied with my closeness with the Lord lately, and I am reminded once again that it is ALL my fault. I make choices that dont glorify Him and then I make excuses for those choices, which I know is wrong...this guilt I feel consequently brings shame, inevitably bringing separation and distance from Him. I hate that it's all my fault. I would like to blame someone, but I cant. I know better. And sometimes I hate that I know better. I ashamedly admit that I have wished that I sometimes didnt know the Truth, so I wouldnt have to be held responsible for my actions. It would be so much easier sometimes if I didnt have to live in the Light. I always quickly recant my wish, but it does say something about the human condition. How hard it is. How hard it is to live as a Christian. He never said it would be easy, and I now realize why! Because it is NOT! I strive to live for the Lord, but sometimes mustering up the desire to live for Him is difficult. We all go through tough times, and I praise my Father for knowing me in and out and understanding that. But nevertheless, I have realized my relationship with the Lord is in my hands. It's that whole "free will" part of the bible. Where I have to decide to follow Him...no, like REALLY follow Him and stop just saying it. Ahh... sometimes song lyrics really do say it the best...


I have decided to follow Jesus...No turning back, no turning back.
Though I may wonder, I still will follow...No turning back, no turning back.
The world behind me, the cross before me...No turning back, no turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow...No turning back, no turning back.

A Broken Heart

And I dont even mean the figurative kind...haha! My Senior year in high school I started experiencing some heart irregularities. My heart will beat normally and then skip a beat...it happens sporadically during an episode with as many as 20 skips or as few as one or two. But I can feel it. I usually check my pulse in my neck and feel the blood pumping and then it stops and instead I feel the pulse in my chest as my heart squeezes and no blood is circulated. It doesnt hurt, but I feel it. I went to the doctor when it first happened almost four years ago. They referred me to a cardiologist, who did a stress test, echocardiogram, and gave me a heart monitor to wear for two weeks. The point was so that they could catch my heart during an irregularity and see what was wrong with it. As my luck would have it, it never malfunctioned while I had the monitor. So after reviewing my echo, and seeing nothing structurally wrong, they told me I must be fine. Well...I have continued having these, I dont know, episodes and this winterguard season they have gotten worse. My heart skips when I get my heart rate elevated. Not everytime, but often. It happens at least once a week, and once it happens it will happen several times that day. I decided to go back to the doctor and get re-referred to a cardio specialist. So thats what I am doing at 9:30am tomorrow. Going to see what the heck is wrong with my broken heart. Let's hope it is just as they said 4 years ago...nothing.

High Expectations

So...I have high expectations for men. Okay, not men. But my man...or the man that will be mine. There are things he must be...and truthfully, I cant compromise on them. I have guys all the time tell me how unrealistic I am...and not just any guys, but friends and even ex's I am quite close with. And sometimes I think they are right. Maybe I am asking too much of the male population. I mean, in truth, there are some things I used to think I wanted in a husband that I no longer find applicable or important...but that isnt because men failed to live up to my standards, but rather that I realized what was actually important and relevant.

Regardless of how I have changed, there are still things like a strong foundation in Christ and a willingness to be a leader in the relationship that I will always find non-negotiable. It's just so hard to find a guy who can step up and be those things. Finding someone who gets me-because it can be a little complex sometimes-and can make me laugh, and loves my family, and has a good heart is hard enough. But atop all of that, for them to have to meet these requirements that God has set before me, which I know full well will make for a stronger marriage, makes my job ALL the harder.

I am patient...a little restless...but patient waiting for him. I just need to stop hearing that he is fictional. A guy who loves the Lord, serves Him before me, gets me, loves me, and can care for me EXISTS. I know he does, so stop telling me he doesn't.

The Maker and Berry

Tonight I had a late sorority meeting and by the time I got back there were NO parking spaces anywhere close to Thomas Berry. I was pretty bummed about this fact. So, I had to drive almost all the way to the chapel before I found an empty space. Normally I pout all the way back to the dorm just waiting for the people who are parked right next to the building to conveniently pull out and leave me the empty spot I had wanted two minutes earlier. But tonight as I stepped out of my car, I was suddenly struck with how beautiful the night was. The weather was fantastic, and the school just seemed so peaceful. So, I decided to go for a walk...what a wonderful choice that was. I didnt really walk that far, but really just meandered around in front of the chapel. I found myself walking and singing to the Lord about his greatness, struggling to find the perfect song to sing to an amazing Creator. I stopped and sat on a couple of benches along my way, still just a looking around and singing. I realized for one, how beautiful the campus is at night, and more importantly what a wonderful Savior I have. There is nothing more enjoyable to me than sitting in the midst of the Father's creation singing of my love and devotion to him. I find myself so grateful for Berry college because it so often offers me the opportunity to see God's greatness and glory. What a wonderful night alone with my God and his works.

Hope

"The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will not fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand".
~Psalms 37:23-24


I found this verse today in Psalms and it gave me hope. I have been in such a low lately, and I find that when you are down, you become so much more susceptible to Satan's lies. Unknowingly, I have believed in some of the things he has been telling me. Mostly that I am a disappointment to God, because I haven't been on top of my spiritual game. Though I know it does sadden the Lord to see me further from Him than He would like, I know in my heart that He DELIGHTS in me. And better yet, that He holds my hand when I inevitably stumble and fall. I cant walk alone. Though sometimes I feel like I am, by my own design, I know that the Father is still there. He directs my steps, and holds my hand. I needed to be reminded of that. I am gonna mess things up in this life. I am. It will happen. But, there is nothing I can do to escape the Father's delight for me and my life. Praise the Lord of the creatures whom deserve His mercy not at all, but daily receive it and it's blessings.

Winterguard picture I like

So some girl in SAPA posted this picture of me and I got tagged in it. That is one fine back attitude if I do say so myself...haha!

Jesus is King

Oh and for His returning we watch and we pray

Yes we will be ready the dawn of that day

And we'll join in singing with all the redeemed

Cause Satan is vanquished and our Jesus is King

So come let us sing a song

A song declaring that we belong to Jesus

Oh, that He is all we need, yeah

So lift up a heart of praise

Sing now with voices raised to Jesus

Oh, and sing to the King.

The Lord showed me something tonight, and for it, I am eternally grateful. Praise be to God.

stress

Things that dont help my stressful state:

1. When I try to order jackets from a company for the Berry winterguard and the company doesnt get back to me. I send them the artwork, then dont hear from them for a week. I go in there and they are all "sorry" they neglected me....say they are gonna check on prices for me...then dont call me back for two weeks. I then proceed to have to call them everyday when they say they will CALL ME to make sure they are doing their jobs and getting my order processed.
2. When I order uniforms at the beginning of November for the Berry winterguard, and the school doesnt fill the invoice until a month later on Dec. 8th.
3. When the company that FINALLY gets their money in december tells me it will be "6-8 weeks" for production and 9 weeks later they inform me they are STILL behind because they are "understaffed and overbooked"...I am empathetic, I really am, BUT COME ON! They just called me to say they are overnighting them a few minutes ago. My girls were the ONLY ones last weekend without their uniforms...that makes me and more importantly THEM, look bad. UGHHH!
4. Listening to the Mozart Requiem. It is not solemn and peaceful...it is jolting, stressful, and chaotic. Fugues do NOT help a stressful situation.
5. When Musselwhite proceeds to give you a reality check about grad. school and how much you DONT know. I appreciate him so much for doing his job, but oh my gosh, I am already under so much pressure, and now this? He told me I need to prioritize school and winterguard. And I know my career is important, but...I dont want to stop marching! I am good at guard...way better than I am at music. And I like to do things I am good at. gah, now I have to analyze my life and priorities, and figure out what I want for myself in life.
6. When Musselwhite wants to give me experience in front of a choir and tells me he is going to purposefully be 5-10 minutes late tomorrow so I can warm the choir up. OH! okay! Thats not last minute!
7. When my sister is due to have my nephew at ANY MINUTE and I have winterguard rehearsal this weekend, which I really cant miss...but WILL if she has her baby. Which will then proceed to get me in a TON of trouble with my director. GAH!


Lord, I cant. I absolutely cant. Please, Father, help me. If I try to do this all by myself I will fail. I need you. I love you. Hear my cries!

Sketch

...and I dont mean shady. I found myself in the mood to sketch the other day and dug out my long lost sketch pad. I remember the day I bought it at Target...I looked at the first drawing in it, which was hilariously of a super nintendo controller, and it was from 1999! I bought that thing a DECADE ago! Well...I hadn't sketched in it in 4 years, and so I decided, HEY! let's draw something! What did I choose? The first thing I could see! My guitar, of course. After I drew that I decided to draw something else, so I sketched the Clara archway. I do not claim to be any good...in fact I know I'm not, but it has always been something I enjoy doing. :-) And I kinda like loving something I am not good at.

I took a picture of my sketches with my phone...which I like to think does not do them justice

;-) haha!

Interesting...

mmmm....the possibilities...

Humidifiers and Jesus

Nothing beats laying on a blanket on the floor of your dorm room with your bible and journal open, praising the Lord to the hum of a humidifier. My nose may be running, my chest congested, heck I may not even be able to sing well, but I am still going to praise the Lord. He is so worthy, and has done so much! I found another fantastic verse tonight...

"And yet the reason you don't have what you want is that you don't ask God for it". -James 4:2

I like this verse...mostly because it makes me feel like I should get everything I ask for, haha!...UNTIL I read the verse right after it, which I found tonight was conveniently NOT HIGHLIGHTED in my bible like the verse before it had been...

"...And even when you do ask, you don't get it because your whole motive is wrong- you only want what will give you pleasure". -James 4:3


I think that's the part I miss. I am all gung-ho about asking God for things...but are my motives always pure? I think not. So that is where I found myself tonight...lying on the floor....praying that God would search my heart, and my motives and make them what they should be. I want to be well, and I prayed a lot for that to happen, but ya know, if God doesnt want me to get over this cold by tomorrow in time for my recital...then it wont happen. And I have to accept that. Sometimes God teaches us more in times of discomfort. I would rather grow more dependent spiritually on the Lord because I am sick, than to be well and singing. I mean really, what's more important here? I know the answer to that. And that's why I say...

" How do you know what will happen tomorrow? For your life is like the morning fog- it's here a little while and then its gone. What you ought to say is 'If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that'. Otherwise, you will be boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil". - James 4:14-16

And then God spoke...

"So humble yourseleves before God. Resist the Devil, andhe will flee from you. Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, you hypocrites. Let there be tears for the wrong things you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on him, he will lift you up and give you honor". -James 4:7-10

Wow...yeah thats pretty much it for me right now. Thats where I am.

Recital

I am sick. I have an ear infection, a possible upper respiratory infection, and a cold. I also have my junior recital on Friday. Dear Lord, PLEASE work a miracle and make me better. I need to be well.

2009 Winterguard Season so far

I need something.

I like to please people. As much as that might not seem true sometimes, it truly is. Thats why I do all that I do. Not so people will like me, but I guess more so that people will be proud of me. I dont know who these "people" always are in my mind that I am seeking to please, but nevertheless. Therefore I hate letting people down. Or not living up their standards. I cant even formulate my feelings into words right now...I cried today on my way home from rehearsal...I am just so frustrated. Frustrated that I cant be everything for everyone. I cant be the good example all the time, I cant be the perfect colorguard member, I cant be the best student, I cant be the perfect daughter, I cant....and I know people arent expecting perfection...but I just am hitting a wall right now. I dont like when I cant please people. When I do everything I can and its still not enough. I cant explain it. I dont even know how I feel. I just know everything is starting to topple, and I am really strong, but...sometimes I just want to be immature and let it all fall.

God, I need you. I say you are the most important thing to me, but I am putting so much above you. I strive daily to make all the different things in my life feel like they are the most important thing I do. But, why dont I strive to put you on a pedestal too? Its so backwards. I know what I should do...and yet, I dont do it. I know what I need, and yet I dont ask you for it. I know what you want, yet I do the opposite. Lord...Father, please. Give me rest. I cant do it all on my own. You are way more important than colorguard, than school, than men, than my family...than anything! And I am going to get really lost if I keep neglecting you.

Anxiety

I have a lot on my mind right now...a lot. My sister is 9 months pregnant, and I am waiting any day to get the call that she has gone into labor. I will drop whatever is going on to drive home to be there. My other sister is in Korea, so its all the more important that I am there. A girl needs her sisters around when she is becoming a mother. The hard part is that I do SOOO much in my life, I am going to have to neglect something when that time comes. Be it class, SAI, Northgate, Berry Indep., or any other of the thousands of commitments I have made. And I know family is most important in life. It truly is. But I hate letting people down. When I make commitments I stick to them. It's something I pride myself in, that I am reliable and a woman of my word. But, ya know, sometimes life happens. Sometimes your sister has a BABY and you HAVE to be there. Sometimes your other sister comes home from Korea for a week after she has been gone for 8 months, and you have to skip some things so you can see her. Sometimes things come up and you have to be flexible. I understand that. I hate not being able to do everything I said I could, but I am only human. I cant constantly neglect my family. I love them...so much more than I love any of the things I do in my life. So I am gonna take the hit if I have to and be there when they need me. Its been on my mind a lot lately...Its been plaguing me actually...the decisions I have to make.

God, give me your wisdom, insight and peace. Why am I trying to do it all alone? You said you would carry my burdens, so why am I trying to be a hero and do it myself? You are enough for me. You are.

Winterguard is back

So this weekend was our first show weekend, and I would say it went pretty well. We are the only ones in our class in SAPA this year because we are Independent Open, so its pretty much a competition with ourselves until we get to WGI contests. Sadly, though, on Saturday night I dropped... :-( What makes me most upset about it is the fact that it was on a part that I dont usually drop...of course I nailed my solo crazy leg in the air toss, but I dropped the blade quad...figures. Oh well....luckily I have gotten mature enough in colorguard that drops dont ruin shows for me, or heaven forbid make me cry, and I know how to take care of it and make sure it doesnt happen again. Sunday's show was MUCH better for me personally....I caught everything and just generally felt more comfortable. Though there was a musical glitch before the performance started and we had to lay in our opening position for a couple minutes and wait for things to get fixed....eh, whatever, didnt really phase me. I suppose another benefit of marching for so long...those kinds of things dont freak me out. All in all I had a great weekend, but I am just left feeling extremely exhausted....so I think I am going to go to sleep now. :-)

Facebook Fury

APPARENTLY I am wayyyy too addicted to facebook...for SOME terrible reason, my facebook, along with many other people's in the dorm doesnt work...I dont understand this at all because I can get on in the mac lab in the music building, but regardless, I am pretty frustrated. AGHHH! See?....frustrated. I wanna get on, and respond to messages and posts, BUT NO, I cant do that right now....grrrrr. This is me being mad.

Baby is a comin'

So my sister is only about 4 1/2 weeks away from having her first baby. Its actually our family's first baby, which is super exciting. But much less exciting is the fact that I had to miss my sister's baby shower. I do winterguard, which is a choice I have made because it is something I love...but man sometimes...practice reeeaaalllly gets in the way. And lately it has made me wonder whats truly important in life. I hate having to miss so many family events for guard: Thanksgiving, baby showers, birthdays, etc. Its just really hard. And I find it being much more of an issue this year than ever. I hate that it makes me question whether I should still be doing this, because I really do love it so much. The thing that made my absence at the shower today even harder was that my other sister is in Korea. So my 8 months pregnant sweet sister, had none of her sisters at her first baby shower. Thats so hard to deal with. And she is kind and gentle, so she wouldnt ever make me feel awful about it, but she doesnt have to. I already do. I just love my family so much, I hate missing out on their lives.


God grant me peace. I need it.

New Years Excitement

I spent New Years Eve in a hotel room by myself in London wanting to die. I was in so much agony from ear pain and my swollen throat and lymph nodes that going out was NOT an option. After ringing in the New Year by watching footage on TV of the fireworks that were merely on the other side of town, I finally managed to fall asleep. Oh but not for long. I awoke at 4:30am in the worst pain of my life. My neck was so tender and sore, words cant even begin to describe. I am a strong person, with truthfully a high threshold for pain, but THIS, this feeling, was the worst, most debilitating sensation I have ever felt. Like fall-on the-floor-hands-in-the-air-cry-out-to-God pain. I didnt know what to do because it was after all only 5 in the morning. To my great luck, my roommate walked in the door and saw me on the floor of the bathroom sobbing in pain and called my choir director who was in charge of the trip. So, long story short they called a cab and drove me to the hospital where after hours of waiting the doctor said “Oooo, yeah you are REALLY inflammed…it is definitely a severe case of strep throat…Oh and you have a middle ear infection too”. The infection had spread up my neck into my lymph nodes and ear. SWELL! I LOOOOOVVVVEEEE paying almost $3000 to go to London for a week and then only getting to go out and sight see for TWO days. NOT! So yeah…my New Year’s Day was spent with an IV in my arm at the London Hospital getting fluids and antibiotics and trying my hardest to escape the wretched pain. Oh, but I lost 5lbs from not being able to eat all week. yay?