Finding him

It has been on my mind so much lately. Finding a husband. But not in the "freak-out, desperate girl" kind of way, but in the "I have no idea when God is going to bring him and thats frightening" kind of way. I know there is a lot I have left to do in terms of my relationship with the Lord before I get invested in a serious relationship. And by "left to do" I mean growth in the Father. I have a lot to learn and I know this. God is teaching me dependence on Him. I am not the best of students when it comes to God's lessons, however. I am a smarty pants in school, mostly A's....but if God gave me a grade on how well I have been relying on him for my happiness and relying on him for my fulfillment this past year...I would fail. And that still seems generous. I say I trust the Lord, but yet I continually find myself trying to think of a backup in case God "messes it up" and doesnt give me what I want out of life. How crazy am I? I cant imagine the life God has for me...He dreams such greater things for me than I do. So...I am learning to believe in that. Learning to trust in that. Learning to not try to plan my love life. Its hard, because I dont want to miss him...you know the man God has for me...but I really dont think God would let that happen. I am a controller...I like to be in charge...this is no surprise to those who know me. But, if I want to find happiness and fulfillment in this life, I have GOT to let go of these "plans" I have for how it will be. They only mess me up. Goodness...for all I know the Lord wants me to be single for the rest of my life...or the next ten years...that thought mortifies me, but I think God wants me to come to terms with the fact that I just DONT KNOW what he has got planned. If I can come to the place where being with the Lord is enough for me...then anything else will only be more icing on a perfectly iced cake. Ahh...God is trying to teach me...I just have to stop being a planner.

Life right now...

So its tough. I am seriously in a war right now. And I cant decide who with. Is it myself? Is it God? Is it Satan? I just know that the moment I start to draw close to the Lord, I get pulled away...or I drift away? Its so blurry, I cant even tell. I just know my true heart is after the Lord. And I get distracted by this world, and it frustrates me. It makes me angry at myself when I dont do what I know I should do, and I dont think like I know I should think. I find such joy in spending time with God, so what I dont understand is why I dont do it more often. Its not work. Or at least I shouldnt think of it that way. I have all of this time on my hands, being summer and all, and yet I am still so absent from quiet times with the Lord. WHY DO I DO THAT? What am I battling against. I know God wants me nearer to him...I know I want to be...so is it Satan? That feels like such a cop-out...to blame some outside force for my negligence...but I cant explain why I am being so stupid. I need to push through this time right now, because its honestly the hardest it has ever been to maintain a healthy, deep relationship with God...the relationship I WANT...I yearn for...I so deep down desire.

I dont want this... "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth". -Revelation 3:16

Lord, help me get out of my own way...because Satan is hardly a battle for you.