Saturday, April 25, 2009

I wanna so I will

I want things to be I am gonna make them different. Why do I have to live with something I dont want to be true? I dont. I can change it. I can change how I feel. I can. I will.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

It never goes away

"What's goin on inside of me? I despise my own behavior. This only serves to confirm my suspicions that I'm still a man in need of a Savior"

Thank you DC Talk. It's funny when you realize that someone has written just what you are shows me that I am not alone. Its a struggle. My relationship with the Lord is a struggle. Its hard to keep it up. To continue following him when I want to go my own way. Its a thin line....the wrestling match that goes on within me between my sinful nature and the Holy Spirit. I was listening to a message online from Northpoint Church, and it really spoke what i needed to hear. I have been so out of it. So far from where God desires me to be. And things keep happening in my life that I dont want to happen, or that I know arent right, and I wonder why. But it is then that I realize its a direct product of my distance from the Lord. But, this message, it was...good to hear to say the least. He talked about how the battle never goes away. No matter how much you grow in your faith, temptation will still be present. Your sinful nature will still have hold of you. Its literally a fight to the death. I needed to be reminded of that. Because I get so down on myself for succumbing to my sinfulness, and not that I shouldnt, but I begin to feel defeated when it happens, when I am not perfect. And I shouldnt. The fight will be raging my whole life. And, sure, I am gonna lose many battles, but the war has already been won. I am Christ's...He is my Savior. So, no matter how many times I fail, I have to remember that there are more fights to be fought, and if I keep sitting on my butt, pitying myself, and burying my head deeper and deeper into the darkness that sin pulls over me, then I am going to keep losing. And I dont like losing. It never goes away...the thin line never goes away. Sinful Nature and the Holy Spirit will always be raging within me, I just have to be more committed to fighting for the right cause instead of giving up so easily. Though I know how the war will end, it will be all the sweeter if there are many battles won along the way. So...I am gonna keep fighting.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I am very frustrated.

Frustrated with myself, with the situation...with it all. I went to the dance studio and just danced...and this is what came out. I feel it's really appropriate right now.

Monday, April 6, 2009


So, I just spent the last 4 days in Dayton, OH at World Championships...and it was wonderful. I got to see all of these amazing colorguards, and my guard competed as well! Not only did we perform in prelims, but we made it to FINALS! This was such a great accomplishment for us, as we placed 4th last year in our class and were consequently bumped up to our current class. The "Open class" where we were moved to is much more competitive and demanding, and our highest aspiration was to merely hold our own, and possibly make finals. My own personal goal was to make finals and not be in 15th place, the last ones in. Well, we accomplished ALL of these goals! We went into finals tied for 12th place! It ended with us in 13th, but who even cares! We had a great run of the show, and I can really find no reason to be upset about our placement. The only thing that kinda bummed me out was the fact that they changed the schedule up this year and had Independent guards go first in finals, from 10am-12pm, and the Scholastic guards go second from 12pm-2pm. There are less people there to watch your show in the morning, and I LOVE performing to a big crowd. But, oh well...there were still hundreds there. All in all...great week. UTTERLY EXHAUSTING, but great. I got 4 hours of sleep on Friday night and 3 hours on Saturday night...even though I slept over 12 hours last night, I still feel the need to catch right now I am going to go take a nap. :-)