"What's goin on inside of me? I despise my own behavior. This only serves to confirm my suspicions that I'm still a man in need of a Savior"
Thank you DC Talk. It's funny when you realize that someone has written just what you are feeling...it shows me that I am not alone. Its a struggle. My relationship with the Lord is a struggle. Its hard to keep it up. To continue following him when I want to go my own way. Its a thin line....the wrestling match that goes on within me between my sinful nature and the Holy Spirit. I was listening to a message online from Northpoint Church, and it really spoke what i needed to hear. I have been so out of it. So far from where God desires me to be. And things keep happening in my life that I dont want to happen, or that I know arent right, and I wonder why. But it is then that I realize its a direct product of my distance from the Lord. But, this message, it was...good to hear to say the least. He talked about how the battle never goes away. No matter how much you grow in your faith, temptation will still be present. Your sinful nature will still have hold of you. Its literally a fight to the death. I needed to be reminded of that. Because I get so down on myself for succumbing to my sinfulness, and not that I shouldnt, but I begin to feel defeated when it happens, when I am not perfect. And I shouldnt. The fight will be raging my whole life. And, sure, I am gonna lose many battles, but the war has already been won. I am Christ's...He is my Savior. So, no matter how many times I fail, I have to remember that there are more fights to be fought, and if I keep sitting on my butt, pitying myself, and burying my head deeper and deeper into the darkness that sin pulls over me, then I am going to keep losing. And I dont like losing. It never goes away...the thin line never goes away. Sinful Nature and the Holy Spirit will always be raging within me, I just have to be more committed to fighting for the right cause instead of giving up so easily. Though I know how the war will end, it will be all the sweeter if there are many battles won along the way. So...I am gonna keep fighting.