Life as I know it

Some days are okay...most days, really, I would characterize as just fine. But there are moments...awful, gut-wrenching moments, when I am consumed with missing him. I love him so strongly. When we were sixteen we broke up. I cried for years...not weeks, but yes, years. If I could count the number of nights I laid in bed crying over him, I would quickly recall it and share it with you so you could understand the magnitude of my feelings for him as a young teenage girl. I remember one night laying in my mom's bed after the break up, sobbing, telling her "I just love him so much. This hurts!". She just stroked my hair and said "I know". So strong were the feelings I had for him back then. And through the years...through all of our trials and obstacles, things that should have squelched that love into non-existence, I have managed to somehow love him even more. Something I thought impossible back then. So now, here I am. Back in my bed...crying over him again. Missing him everyday, praying the days fly by for his return. But now, my tears have hope because I know he will be back home soon. And I will be able to lay in his sweet, sweet arms in that very same bed I cried in so many nights. I am ready for that day.

Ahem. . . love is what now?

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud"

I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to make my love look like all of those things. I am one of the most impatient people I know, and I am certainly the jealous type. I need to give it to God. I cant love my husband like he deserves to be loved on my own. I need the Lord. I have to start submitting my will daily to Him, because without doing that my own distorted views of love creep in. God help me.

The Gym and Jesus

So a couple months back I hired a personal trainer. And while quite pricey, I am so glad I did! Motivation is always the thing I lack when working out. But with a personal trainer, you are pretty much forced to show up and give it your all, or else you are just throwing money down the drain. See, once I am at the gym doing stuff I am ALWAYS glad I went, but getting there is just so darn hard! I find the same to be true with my spiritual life sometimes...

I have recently started BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) with my mom and my sister. It is an intensive study of the Bible through fellowship with other women, prayer and self reflection, and most importantly the exploration of God's Word. I am finishing up week one and realizing how much I suck at reading my bible. It used to be such a habit; one I got into so securely I hardly had to "make myself" read my bible everyday (as I feel I do these days). But, over time, I noticed myself slowly slipping away from the Word. At first I tried to excuse it, saying life had just gotten busier, and that it wasn't a permanent change. But after so many excuses you begin to realize that you are fooling no one but yourself. So, I decided to join a BSF group to hold me accountable for my spiritual growth.

The truth of the matter is, I am no good at growing all by myself. But, see, God already knew that. Thats why he created the church. To be a support system. He knew we were co-dependent creatures who rely on socialization, and communication with others to flourish. So, he gave us community. A community to share love, life, laughter, and most of all the Lord. Now, this next week I will be placed in a group of women that I do not know. But another part of the gloriousness of the church is that we do not have to "know" each other to be a part of that community Christ gave us.

I don't always go to the gym, especially not when its just for me. But, you better believe when I know my trainer is going to be there, I show up! Just as I hired my personal trainer to get my butt to work out consistently, I am using BSF as a way to get my butt to the Word consistently. It takes people holding us accountable in life for us to grow. Perhaps I realized this first at the gym, but I am going to apply it now to my walk with Christ, and I know with the hard work I have put towards a healthier body, Christ will reward me with a healthier, growing spirit.

Life in the here and now

Its been two years and my, my how things have changed. I read a post I made in 2009 about my wanting to find a husband, but knowing the command was to rely on the Lord. I knew that the Lord was trying to teach me about dependence on Him and how not to be a planner of everything. How funny that is looking back now.

I found my husband! Hooray! But the lessons on dependence did not end. Neither did the patience that was being required of me. I am married to the love of my life. A man I knew I loved when I was 15 years old. A man I never thought the Lord would give me as a husband. I am so grateful, and overjoyed that the Lord saw fit to have me marry Nathaniel. But its like he gave me part of my reward before the work was done. Because, yes, I have a husband, a wonderful one at that, but in the time we have been married, 8 1/2 months, I have seen him for a cumulative 29 days. Not only that, but I wont see him again for another 4 months! So I now see the lessons God was teaching me years ago about trusting Him, and leaning on Him to sustain me, and having faith in Him to give me patience, were very worthwhile lessons. Not only is He still working on instilling them in me, but they are what keeps me going now.

Being an Army wife is something I never thought would happen to me. I say "happen" because I have never been able to fathom why a woman would choose this life. I always looked at those wives whose husbands would leave for a year at a time and think, "Awww, poor thing...why would she EVER marry a man in the military!?" I am admittedly too selfish for that. I want my husband home! I didn't marry a guy for him to leave me all the time. HA! Look at me now. But what I have come to realize is that not only am I stronger than I thought...but the Lord is so much wiser than I thought! Talk about the ultimate planner! He knew what life would bring me...thats why he made me exercise patience for all of those years. He knew there would be times when Nathaniel would have to leave, and so he was preparing me by teaching me reliance on Him. I look back on those ranting posts about being frustrated with the lessons I was being taught and not understanding why I needed to be taught them. I like to think God was cracking a little smile at me, knowing full well what he had prepared.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what

God has prepared for those who love him" - I Corinthians 2:9

I highlighted this verse and wrote this

note inmy bible no less than 4 years ago.

God always has a plan!