Anxiety

I have a lot on my mind right now...a lot. My sister is 9 months pregnant, and I am waiting any day to get the call that she has gone into labor. I will drop whatever is going on to drive home to be there. My other sister is in Korea, so its all the more important that I am there. A girl needs her sisters around when she is becoming a mother. The hard part is that I do SOOO much in my life, I am going to have to neglect something when that time comes. Be it class, SAI, Northgate, Berry Indep., or any other of the thousands of commitments I have made. And I know family is most important in life. It truly is. But I hate letting people down. When I make commitments I stick to them. It's something I pride myself in, that I am reliable and a woman of my word. But, ya know, sometimes life happens. Sometimes your sister has a BABY and you HAVE to be there. Sometimes your other sister comes home from Korea for a week after she has been gone for 8 months, and you have to skip some things so you can see her. Sometimes things come up and you have to be flexible. I understand that. I hate not being able to do everything I said I could, but I am only human. I cant constantly neglect my family. I love them...so much more than I love any of the things I do in my life. So I am gonna take the hit if I have to and be there when they need me. Its been on my mind a lot lately...Its been plaguing me actually...the decisions I have to make.

God, give me your wisdom, insight and peace. Why am I trying to do it all alone? You said you would carry my burdens, so why am I trying to be a hero and do it myself? You are enough for me. You are.

Winterguard is back

So this weekend was our first show weekend, and I would say it went pretty well. We are the only ones in our class in SAPA this year because we are Independent Open, so its pretty much a competition with ourselves until we get to WGI contests. Sadly, though, on Saturday night I dropped... :-( What makes me most upset about it is the fact that it was on a part that I dont usually drop...of course I nailed my solo crazy leg in the air toss, but I dropped the blade quad...figures. Oh well....luckily I have gotten mature enough in colorguard that drops dont ruin shows for me, or heaven forbid make me cry, and I know how to take care of it and make sure it doesnt happen again. Sunday's show was MUCH better for me personally....I caught everything and just generally felt more comfortable. Though there was a musical glitch before the performance started and we had to lay in our opening position for a couple minutes and wait for things to get fixed....eh, whatever, didnt really phase me. I suppose another benefit of marching for so long...those kinds of things dont freak me out. All in all I had a great weekend, but I am just left feeling extremely exhausted....so I think I am going to go to sleep now. :-)

Facebook Fury

APPARENTLY I am wayyyy too addicted to facebook...for SOME terrible reason, my facebook, along with many other people's in the dorm doesnt work...I dont understand this at all because I can get on in the mac lab in the music building, but regardless, I am pretty frustrated. AGHHH! See?....frustrated. I wanna get on, and respond to messages and posts, BUT NO, I cant do that right now....grrrrr. This is me being mad.

Baby is a comin'

So my sister is only about 4 1/2 weeks away from having her first baby. Its actually our family's first baby, which is super exciting. But much less exciting is the fact that I had to miss my sister's baby shower. I do winterguard, which is a choice I have made because it is something I love...but man sometimes...practice reeeaaalllly gets in the way. And lately it has made me wonder whats truly important in life. I hate having to miss so many family events for guard: Thanksgiving, baby showers, birthdays, etc. Its just really hard. And I find it being much more of an issue this year than ever. I hate that it makes me question whether I should still be doing this, because I really do love it so much. The thing that made my absence at the shower today even harder was that my other sister is in Korea. So my 8 months pregnant sweet sister, had none of her sisters at her first baby shower. Thats so hard to deal with. And she is kind and gentle, so she wouldnt ever make me feel awful about it, but she doesnt have to. I already do. I just love my family so much, I hate missing out on their lives.


God grant me peace. I need it.

New Years Excitement

I spent New Years Eve in a hotel room by myself in London wanting to die. I was in so much agony from ear pain and my swollen throat and lymph nodes that going out was NOT an option. After ringing in the New Year by watching footage on TV of the fireworks that were merely on the other side of town, I finally managed to fall asleep. Oh but not for long. I awoke at 4:30am in the worst pain of my life. My neck was so tender and sore, words cant even begin to describe. I am a strong person, with truthfully a high threshold for pain, but THIS, this feeling, was the worst, most debilitating sensation I have ever felt. Like fall-on the-floor-hands-in-the-air-cry-out-to-God pain. I didnt know what to do because it was after all only 5 in the morning. To my great luck, my roommate walked in the door and saw me on the floor of the bathroom sobbing in pain and called my choir director who was in charge of the trip. So, long story short they called a cab and drove me to the hospital where after hours of waiting the doctor said “Oooo, yeah you are REALLY inflammed…it is definitely a severe case of strep throat…Oh and you have a middle ear infection too”. The infection had spread up my neck into my lymph nodes and ear. SWELL! I LOOOOOVVVVEEEE paying almost $3000 to go to London for a week and then only getting to go out and sight see for TWO days. NOT! So yeah…my New Year’s Day was spent with an IV in my arm at the London Hospital getting fluids and antibiotics and trying my hardest to escape the wretched pain. Oh, but I lost 5lbs from not being able to eat all week. yay?