"Its a little bit funny....

this feeling inside"...okay so not to quote lyrics, like I so lamely did...but it is kinda funny how your relationship with God DIRECTLY correlates to who you spend your time with and how much you read his Word. I have found myself way less than satisfied with my closeness with the Lord lately, and I am reminded once again that it is ALL my fault. I make choices that dont glorify Him and then I make excuses for those choices, which I know is wrong...this guilt I feel consequently brings shame, inevitably bringing separation and distance from Him. I hate that it's all my fault. I would like to blame someone, but I cant. I know better. And sometimes I hate that I know better. I ashamedly admit that I have wished that I sometimes didnt know the Truth, so I wouldnt have to be held responsible for my actions. It would be so much easier sometimes if I didnt have to live in the Light. I always quickly recant my wish, but it does say something about the human condition. How hard it is. How hard it is to live as a Christian. He never said it would be easy, and I now realize why! Because it is NOT! I strive to live for the Lord, but sometimes mustering up the desire to live for Him is difficult. We all go through tough times, and I praise my Father for knowing me in and out and understanding that. But nevertheless, I have realized my relationship with the Lord is in my hands. It's that whole "free will" part of the bible. Where I have to decide to follow Him...no, like REALLY follow Him and stop just saying it. Ahh... sometimes song lyrics really do say it the best...


I have decided to follow Jesus...No turning back, no turning back.
Though I may wonder, I still will follow...No turning back, no turning back.
The world behind me, the cross before me...No turning back, no turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow...No turning back, no turning back.

A Broken Heart

And I dont even mean the figurative kind...haha! My Senior year in high school I started experiencing some heart irregularities. My heart will beat normally and then skip a beat...it happens sporadically during an episode with as many as 20 skips or as few as one or two. But I can feel it. I usually check my pulse in my neck and feel the blood pumping and then it stops and instead I feel the pulse in my chest as my heart squeezes and no blood is circulated. It doesnt hurt, but I feel it. I went to the doctor when it first happened almost four years ago. They referred me to a cardiologist, who did a stress test, echocardiogram, and gave me a heart monitor to wear for two weeks. The point was so that they could catch my heart during an irregularity and see what was wrong with it. As my luck would have it, it never malfunctioned while I had the monitor. So after reviewing my echo, and seeing nothing structurally wrong, they told me I must be fine. Well...I have continued having these, I dont know, episodes and this winterguard season they have gotten worse. My heart skips when I get my heart rate elevated. Not everytime, but often. It happens at least once a week, and once it happens it will happen several times that day. I decided to go back to the doctor and get re-referred to a cardio specialist. So thats what I am doing at 9:30am tomorrow. Going to see what the heck is wrong with my broken heart. Let's hope it is just as they said 4 years ago...nothing.

High Expectations

So...I have high expectations for men. Okay, not men. But my man...or the man that will be mine. There are things he must be...and truthfully, I cant compromise on them. I have guys all the time tell me how unrealistic I am...and not just any guys, but friends and even ex's I am quite close with. And sometimes I think they are right. Maybe I am asking too much of the male population. I mean, in truth, there are some things I used to think I wanted in a husband that I no longer find applicable or important...but that isnt because men failed to live up to my standards, but rather that I realized what was actually important and relevant.

Regardless of how I have changed, there are still things like a strong foundation in Christ and a willingness to be a leader in the relationship that I will always find non-negotiable. It's just so hard to find a guy who can step up and be those things. Finding someone who gets me-because it can be a little complex sometimes-and can make me laugh, and loves my family, and has a good heart is hard enough. But atop all of that, for them to have to meet these requirements that God has set before me, which I know full well will make for a stronger marriage, makes my job ALL the harder.

I am patient...a little restless...but patient waiting for him. I just need to stop hearing that he is fictional. A guy who loves the Lord, serves Him before me, gets me, loves me, and can care for me EXISTS. I know he does, so stop telling me he doesn't.

The Maker and Berry

Tonight I had a late sorority meeting and by the time I got back there were NO parking spaces anywhere close to Thomas Berry. I was pretty bummed about this fact. So, I had to drive almost all the way to the chapel before I found an empty space. Normally I pout all the way back to the dorm just waiting for the people who are parked right next to the building to conveniently pull out and leave me the empty spot I had wanted two minutes earlier. But tonight as I stepped out of my car, I was suddenly struck with how beautiful the night was. The weather was fantastic, and the school just seemed so peaceful. So, I decided to go for a walk...what a wonderful choice that was. I didnt really walk that far, but really just meandered around in front of the chapel. I found myself walking and singing to the Lord about his greatness, struggling to find the perfect song to sing to an amazing Creator. I stopped and sat on a couple of benches along my way, still just a looking around and singing. I realized for one, how beautiful the campus is at night, and more importantly what a wonderful Savior I have. There is nothing more enjoyable to me than sitting in the midst of the Father's creation singing of my love and devotion to him. I find myself so grateful for Berry college because it so often offers me the opportunity to see God's greatness and glory. What a wonderful night alone with my God and his works.

Hope

"The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will not fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand".
~Psalms 37:23-24


I found this verse today in Psalms and it gave me hope. I have been in such a low lately, and I find that when you are down, you become so much more susceptible to Satan's lies. Unknowingly, I have believed in some of the things he has been telling me. Mostly that I am a disappointment to God, because I haven't been on top of my spiritual game. Though I know it does sadden the Lord to see me further from Him than He would like, I know in my heart that He DELIGHTS in me. And better yet, that He holds my hand when I inevitably stumble and fall. I cant walk alone. Though sometimes I feel like I am, by my own design, I know that the Father is still there. He directs my steps, and holds my hand. I needed to be reminded of that. I am gonna mess things up in this life. I am. It will happen. But, there is nothing I can do to escape the Father's delight for me and my life. Praise the Lord of the creatures whom deserve His mercy not at all, but daily receive it and it's blessings.