this feeling inside"...okay so not to quote lyrics, like I so lamely did...but it is kinda funny how your relationship with God DIRECTLY correlates to who you spend your time with and how much you read his Word. I have found myself way less than satisfied with my closeness with the Lord lately, and I am reminded once again that it is ALL my fault. I make choices that dont glorify Him and then I make excuses for those choices, which I know is wrong...this guilt I feel consequently brings shame, inevitably bringing separation and distance from Him. I hate that it's all my fault. I would like to blame someone, but I cant. I know better. And sometimes I hate that I know better. I ashamedly admit that I have wished that I sometimes didnt know the Truth, so I wouldnt have to be held responsible for my actions. It would be so much easier sometimes if I didnt have to live in the Light. I always quickly recant my wish, but it does say something about the human condition. How hard it is. How hard it is to live as a Christian. He never said it would be easy, and I now realize why! Because it is NOT! I strive to live for the Lord, but sometimes mustering up the desire to live for Him is difficult. We all go through tough times, and I praise my Father for knowing me in and out and understanding that. But nevertheless, I have realized my relationship with the Lord is in my hands. It's that whole "free will" part of the bible. Where I have to decide to follow Him...no, like REALLY follow Him and stop just saying it. Ahh... sometimes song lyrics really do say it the best...
I have decided to follow Jesus...No turning back, no turning back.
Though I may wonder, I still will follow...No turning back, no turning back.
The world behind me, the cross before me...No turning back, no turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow...No turning back, no turning back.