Thursday, June 4, 2009

Life right now...

So its tough. I am seriously in a war right now. And I cant decide who with. Is it myself? Is it God? Is it Satan? I just know that the moment I start to draw close to the Lord, I get pulled away...or I drift away? Its so blurry, I cant even tell. I just know my true heart is after the Lord. And I get distracted by this world, and it frustrates me. It makes me angry at myself when I dont do what I know I should do, and I dont think like I know I should think. I find such joy in spending time with God, so what I dont understand is why I dont do it more often. Its not work. Or at least I shouldnt think of it that way. I have all of this time on my hands, being summer and all, and yet I am still so absent from quiet times with the Lord. WHY DO I DO THAT? What am I battling against. I know God wants me nearer to him...I know I want to is it Satan? That feels like such a blame some outside force for my negligence...but I cant explain why I am being so stupid. I need to push through this time right now, because its honestly the hardest it has ever been to maintain a healthy, deep relationship with God...the relationship I WANT...I yearn for...I so deep down desire.

I dont want this... "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth". -Revelation 3:16

Lord, help me get out of my own way...because Satan is hardly a battle for you.

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