Friday, May 1, 2009
It happened again...ya know. The nightmare where I for SOME REASON decide to do drum corps again. Its not a dream, its a nightmare. Everyone always jokes with me about my time at drum corps and how I hated it so much. But its so much more than that. Sure, I loved doing colorguard, I will always love that, but it was something I cant even describe. The true feelings I had my last few weeks there are almost indescribable. It was a combination of feeling trapped and unable to control my own life, and just general unhappiness. I knew I couldnt quit. That was what was hardest. Knowing I hated something, but also knowing my responsibility to the group was more important than my own happiness. Thats why hurting my shoulder, as bad as it felt, was one of the best things that happened to me last summer. Sometimes I tell myself it wasnt so bad, because it wasnt terrible all of the time, but I just put on a brave front. I fooled myself into thinking I was loving it, when inside I was hating it. The feeling in my gut when I think about going back is so awful. Thats why last night was a nightmare. And as luck would have it, I slept for 12 hours, which WOULD HAVE BEEN LOVELY, if I werent having the awful, dreaded "Drum Corps" nightmare. And the whole time in the nightmare I was thinking "Why in the world did I let myself come back here? What was I thinking? I am trapped again!"Its just so indescribably awful. My last day of drum corps I spent laying on the floor of a dirty locker room in Florida crying, nay, SOBBING my eyes out knowing I needed to go home for my health, but not wanting to disappoint everyone there. It wasnt until I got hurt that I realized how miserable I was. When you are sitting on the sidelines you have a lot of time to think. I have never felt more pitiful and humiliated than I did that last day. I was begging, literally begging the staff for permission to leave....well not really permission, but more their blessing. Thats humbling. And the thing was I didnt even care at the time. I was so unhappy, I just had to get out. It was.... horrible. I have this nightmare at least 4 times since last July. I hate it more than anything.