Sunday, February 1, 2009

I need something.

I like to please people. As much as that might not seem true sometimes, it truly is. Thats why I do all that I do. Not so people will like me, but I guess more so that people will be proud of me. I dont know who these "people" always are in my mind that I am seeking to please, but nevertheless. Therefore I hate letting people down. Or not living up their standards. I cant even formulate my feelings into words right now...I cried today on my way home from rehearsal...I am just so frustrated. Frustrated that I cant be everything for everyone. I cant be the good example all the time, I cant be the perfect colorguard member, I cant be the best student, I cant be the perfect daughter, I cant....and I know people arent expecting perfection...but I just am hitting a wall right now. I dont like when I cant please people. When I do everything I can and its still not enough. I cant explain it. I dont even know how I feel. I just know everything is starting to topple, and I am really strong, but...sometimes I just want to be immature and let it all fall.

God, I need you. I say you are the most important thing to me, but I am putting so much above you. I strive daily to make all the different things in my life feel like they are the most important thing I do. But, why dont I strive to put you on a pedestal too? Its so backwards. I know what I should do...and yet, I dont do it. I know what I need, and yet I dont ask you for it. I know what you want, yet I do the opposite. Lord...Father, please. Give me rest. I cant do it all on my own. You are way more important than colorguard, than school, than men, than my family...than anything! And I am going to get really lost if I keep neglecting you.

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