Sickness

I get sick A LOT! I was sick two weeks ago, and now I am beginning to get sick again. This is NOT cool....I have way too much of a life right now to be ill. BOO!

Finding him

It has been on my mind so much lately. Finding a husband. But not in the "freak-out, desperate girl" kind of way, but in the "I have no idea when God is going to bring him and thats frightening" kind of way. I know there is a lot I have left to do in terms of my relationship with the Lord before I get invested in a serious relationship. And by "left to do" I mean growth in the Father. I have a lot to learn and I know this. God is teaching me dependence on Him. I am not the best of students when it comes to God's lessons, however. I am a smarty pants in school, mostly A's....but if God gave me a grade on how well I have been relying on him for my happiness and relying on him for my fulfillment this past year...I would fail. And that still seems generous. I say I trust the Lord, but yet I continually find myself trying to think of a backup in case God "messes it up" and doesnt give me what I want out of life. How crazy am I? I cant imagine the life God has for me...He dreams such greater things for me than I do. So...I am learning to believe in that. Learning to trust in that. Learning to not try to plan my love life. Its hard, because I dont want to miss him...you know the man God has for me...but I really dont think God would let that happen. I am a controller...I like to be in charge...this is no surprise to those who know me. But, if I want to find happiness and fulfillment in this life, I have GOT to let go of these "plans" I have for how it will be. They only mess me up. Goodness...for all I know the Lord wants me to be single for the rest of my life...or the next ten years...that thought mortifies me, but I think God wants me to come to terms with the fact that I just DONT KNOW what he has got planned. If I can come to the place where being with the Lord is enough for me...then anything else will only be more icing on a perfectly iced cake. Ahh...God is trying to teach me...I just have to stop being a planner.

Life right now...

So its tough. I am seriously in a war right now. And I cant decide who with. Is it myself? Is it God? Is it Satan? I just know that the moment I start to draw close to the Lord, I get pulled away...or I drift away? Its so blurry, I cant even tell. I just know my true heart is after the Lord. And I get distracted by this world, and it frustrates me. It makes me angry at myself when I dont do what I know I should do, and I dont think like I know I should think. I find such joy in spending time with God, so what I dont understand is why I dont do it more often. Its not work. Or at least I shouldnt think of it that way. I have all of this time on my hands, being summer and all, and yet I am still so absent from quiet times with the Lord. WHY DO I DO THAT? What am I battling against. I know God wants me nearer to him...I know I want to be...so is it Satan? That feels like such a cop-out...to blame some outside force for my negligence...but I cant explain why I am being so stupid. I need to push through this time right now, because its honestly the hardest it has ever been to maintain a healthy, deep relationship with God...the relationship I WANT...I yearn for...I so deep down desire.

I dont want this... "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth". -Revelation 3:16

Lord, help me get out of my own way...because Satan is hardly a battle for you.

Pain

Oww, it really hurts. Like deep inside, pain. Why does it have to be like this? Why do I always have to go for the same guys. This is time number three where this has happened. I dont want to be hardened, but when it keeps happening, its hard not to be. My heart aches. More than it should....but it literally aches within me. There are so many reasons why that feeling should be gone, so many reasons he gave me not to care, but I still feel this way. Because when I care for someone, it isnt shallow, and conditional. DANG IT. Thats what sucks. When you love unconditionally, you get soooo hurt. Because humans arent perfect and they do crap to hurt you. Unconditional love doesnt care what your mind says...it just feels. I dont want to feel. I dont want to hurt. Losing a friend is the worst feeling. I wish I could simply not care. I wish it didnt matter. I wish I was shallow....but I am not. So my heart aches.

Costa rica

I am sitting in the computer lab in the university´s music dept. I go to rehearse with my accompanist in a few minutes because we have to perform in a recital on Friday afternoon. I mean...I would prefer not to...but I guess its part of coming down here. We are going to sightsee later this afternoon, which should be fun. Yesterday was exhausting. We got here at noon local time and went to the hotel, which was about 45 minutes from the airport. Then we walked through the university, which is literally RIGHT ACROSS THE CALLE from our hotel, to get to some food. We ate a late lunch at a little costa rican cafe. It was alright. I am all about trying new things, and I am really trying to use my spanish. So, I ordered a cheese quesadilla, which would have been great, if it didnt come with mayonaisse all over it. Haha...I hate that crap, btw. So I had to make do. The hotel is beautiful. There will be pictures later. Umm...all in all its been great so far. We went to a concert last night at the university of Latin Jazz...it was really impressive...but by 7pm when it started we had been going nonstop so we were all so tired. I went to bed at 9:30 local time...which means I had been up for about 19 hours. yikes. But it was good cause then I got up at 8am today...so yay for getting up early and not wanting to kill myself. Okay...thats all I got. More to come later

Words from the Lord

The battle is worth it. The battle is what makes the victory all the sweeter.

Recurring Nightmare

It happened again...ya know. The nightmare where I for SOME REASON decide to do drum corps again. Its not a dream, its a nightmare. Everyone always jokes with me about my time at drum corps and how I hated it so much. But its so much more than that. Sure, I loved doing colorguard, I will always love that, but it was something I cant even describe. The true feelings I had my last few weeks there are almost indescribable. It was a combination of feeling trapped and unable to control my own life, and just general unhappiness. I knew I couldnt quit. That was what was hardest. Knowing I hated something, but also knowing my responsibility to the group was more important than my own happiness. Thats why hurting my shoulder, as bad as it felt, was one of the best things that happened to me last summer. Sometimes I tell myself it wasnt so bad, because it wasnt terrible all of the time, but I just put on a brave front. I fooled myself into thinking I was loving it, when inside I was hating it. The feeling in my gut when I think about going back is so awful. Thats why last night was a nightmare. And as luck would have it, I slept for 12 hours, which WOULD HAVE BEEN LOVELY, if I werent having the awful, dreaded "Drum Corps" nightmare. And the whole time in the nightmare I was thinking "Why in the world did I let myself come back here? What was I thinking? I am trapped again!"Its just so indescribably awful. My last day of drum corps I spent laying on the floor of a dirty locker room in Florida crying, nay, SOBBING my eyes out knowing I needed to go home for my health, but not wanting to disappoint everyone there. It wasnt until I got hurt that I realized how miserable I was. When you are sitting on the sidelines you have a lot of time to think. I have never felt more pitiful and humiliated than I did that last day. I was begging, literally begging the staff for permission to leave....well not really permission, but more their blessing. Thats humbling. And the thing was I didnt even care at the time. I was so unhappy, I just had to get out. It was.... horrible. I have this nightmare at least 4 times since last July. I hate it more than anything.