Ahem. . . love is what now?

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud"

I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to make my love look like all of those things. I am one of the most impatient people I know, and I am certainly the jealous type. I need to give it to God. I cant love my husband like he deserves to be loved on my own. I need the Lord. I have to start submitting my will daily to Him, because without doing that my own distorted views of love creep in. God help me.

The Gym and Jesus

So a couple months back I hired a personal trainer. And while quite pricey, I am so glad I did! Motivation is always the thing I lack when working out. But with a personal trainer, you are pretty much forced to show up and give it your all, or else you are just throwing money down the drain. See, once I am at the gym doing stuff I am ALWAYS glad I went, but getting there is just so darn hard! I find the same to be true with my spiritual life sometimes...

I have recently started BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) with my mom and my sister. It is an intensive study of the Bible through fellowship with other women, prayer and self reflection, and most importantly the exploration of God's Word. I am finishing up week one and realizing how much I suck at reading my bible. It used to be such a habit; one I got into so securely I hardly had to "make myself" read my bible everyday (as I feel I do these days). But, over time, I noticed myself slowly slipping away from the Word. At first I tried to excuse it, saying life had just gotten busier, and that it wasn't a permanent change. But after so many excuses you begin to realize that you are fooling no one but yourself. So, I decided to join a BSF group to hold me accountable for my spiritual growth.

The truth of the matter is, I am no good at growing all by myself. But, see, God already knew that. Thats why he created the church. To be a support system. He knew we were co-dependent creatures who rely on socialization, and communication with others to flourish. So, he gave us community. A community to share love, life, laughter, and most of all the Lord. Now, this next week I will be placed in a group of women that I do not know. But another part of the gloriousness of the church is that we do not have to "know" each other to be a part of that community Christ gave us.

I don't always go to the gym, especially not when its just for me. But, you better believe when I know my trainer is going to be there, I show up! Just as I hired my personal trainer to get my butt to work out consistently, I am using BSF as a way to get my butt to the Word consistently. It takes people holding us accountable in life for us to grow. Perhaps I realized this first at the gym, but I am going to apply it now to my walk with Christ, and I know with the hard work I have put towards a healthier body, Christ will reward me with a healthier, growing spirit.

Life in the here and now

Its been two years and my, my how things have changed. I read a post I made in 2009 about my wanting to find a husband, but knowing the command was to rely on the Lord. I knew that the Lord was trying to teach me about dependence on Him and how not to be a planner of everything. How funny that is looking back now.

I found my husband! Hooray! But the lessons on dependence did not end. Neither did the patience that was being required of me. I am married to the love of my life. A man I knew I loved when I was 15 years old. A man I never thought the Lord would give me as a husband. I am so grateful, and overjoyed that the Lord saw fit to have me marry Nathaniel. But its like he gave me part of my reward before the work was done. Because, yes, I have a husband, a wonderful one at that, but in the time we have been married, 8 1/2 months, I have seen him for a cumulative 29 days. Not only that, but I wont see him again for another 4 months! So I now see the lessons God was teaching me years ago about trusting Him, and leaning on Him to sustain me, and having faith in Him to give me patience, were very worthwhile lessons. Not only is He still working on instilling them in me, but they are what keeps me going now.

Being an Army wife is something I never thought would happen to me. I say "happen" because I have never been able to fathom why a woman would choose this life. I always looked at those wives whose husbands would leave for a year at a time and think, "Awww, poor thing...why would she EVER marry a man in the military!?" I am admittedly too selfish for that. I want my husband home! I didn't marry a guy for him to leave me all the time. HA! Look at me now. But what I have come to realize is that not only am I stronger than I thought...but the Lord is so much wiser than I thought! Talk about the ultimate planner! He knew what life would bring me...thats why he made me exercise patience for all of those years. He knew there would be times when Nathaniel would have to leave, and so he was preparing me by teaching me reliance on Him. I look back on those ranting posts about being frustrated with the lessons I was being taught and not understanding why I needed to be taught them. I like to think God was cracking a little smile at me, knowing full well what he had prepared.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what

God has prepared for those who love him" - I Corinthians 2:9

I highlighted this verse and wrote this

note inmy bible no less than 4 years ago.

God always has a plan!

Lord, I wanna yearn for you

Its so hard, I have found, to drop all that I do and just focus on God. He has blessed me with such an ability to multi-task and do many things, but sometimes its difficult, especially in moments of worship, to drop all those things and focus solely on Him. My mind races with all of the things I do, going through lists of tasks needed to be accomplished, things I have already completed, worries for things to come that I forget to just worship.

I tell my girls that I teach colorguard to all the time that when they are at rehearsal that it is the ONLY thing in the world they have to worry about right then. They should drop all of their days worries and mishappenings, and focus solely on the flagwork, solely on the performance. It doesnt matter if your mom screamed at you, your boyfriend broke up with you, or if you and your best friend are fighting...ALL you have to worry about for the few hours you are at practice is spinning your flag. I always tell them this should be a relief...not to have to focus on anything else.

The same thing applies to spiritual life. God knows we have things going on, He knows we have lives...its the way He designed it, but when we come before Him we should drop it all and be fully in the moment. Fully engaged, fully surrendered to HIM! Why cant I take my own advice to my girls, and embrace the time with the Lord and drop everything else. He is the center, He is the core, He is what makes everything else work...so why dont I put more care into the thing that makes the whole sha-bang run? I just was struck with this tonight...I mean...I just dont get myself sometimes. My brain and my heart are in a constant struggle.

Anyway! All glory to the Lord who is more gracious than I deserve and more understanding than I can even know.

Sickness

I get sick A LOT! I was sick two weeks ago, and now I am beginning to get sick again. This is NOT cool....I have way too much of a life right now to be ill. BOO!

Finding him

It has been on my mind so much lately. Finding a husband. But not in the "freak-out, desperate girl" kind of way, but in the "I have no idea when God is going to bring him and thats frightening" kind of way. I know there is a lot I have left to do in terms of my relationship with the Lord before I get invested in a serious relationship. And by "left to do" I mean growth in the Father. I have a lot to learn and I know this. God is teaching me dependence on Him. I am not the best of students when it comes to God's lessons, however. I am a smarty pants in school, mostly A's....but if God gave me a grade on how well I have been relying on him for my happiness and relying on him for my fulfillment this past year...I would fail. And that still seems generous. I say I trust the Lord, but yet I continually find myself trying to think of a backup in case God "messes it up" and doesnt give me what I want out of life. How crazy am I? I cant imagine the life God has for me...He dreams such greater things for me than I do. So...I am learning to believe in that. Learning to trust in that. Learning to not try to plan my love life. Its hard, because I dont want to miss him...you know the man God has for me...but I really dont think God would let that happen. I am a controller...I like to be in charge...this is no surprise to those who know me. But, if I want to find happiness and fulfillment in this life, I have GOT to let go of these "plans" I have for how it will be. They only mess me up. Goodness...for all I know the Lord wants me to be single for the rest of my life...or the next ten years...that thought mortifies me, but I think God wants me to come to terms with the fact that I just DONT KNOW what he has got planned. If I can come to the place where being with the Lord is enough for me...then anything else will only be more icing on a perfectly iced cake. Ahh...God is trying to teach me...I just have to stop being a planner.

Life right now...

So its tough. I am seriously in a war right now. And I cant decide who with. Is it myself? Is it God? Is it Satan? I just know that the moment I start to draw close to the Lord, I get pulled away...or I drift away? Its so blurry, I cant even tell. I just know my true heart is after the Lord. And I get distracted by this world, and it frustrates me. It makes me angry at myself when I dont do what I know I should do, and I dont think like I know I should think. I find such joy in spending time with God, so what I dont understand is why I dont do it more often. Its not work. Or at least I shouldnt think of it that way. I have all of this time on my hands, being summer and all, and yet I am still so absent from quiet times with the Lord. WHY DO I DO THAT? What am I battling against. I know God wants me nearer to him...I know I want to be...so is it Satan? That feels like such a cop-out...to blame some outside force for my negligence...but I cant explain why I am being so stupid. I need to push through this time right now, because its honestly the hardest it has ever been to maintain a healthy, deep relationship with God...the relationship I WANT...I yearn for...I so deep down desire.

I dont want this... "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth". -Revelation 3:16

Lord, help me get out of my own way...because Satan is hardly a battle for you.