I wanna so I will

I want things to be different...so I am gonna make them different. Why do I have to live with something I dont want to be true? I dont. I can change it. I can change how I feel. I can. I will.

It never goes away

"What's goin on inside of me? I despise my own behavior. This only serves to confirm my suspicions that I'm still a man in need of a Savior"

Thank you DC Talk. It's funny when you realize that someone has written just what you are feeling...it shows me that I am not alone. Its a struggle. My relationship with the Lord is a struggle. Its hard to keep it up. To continue following him when I want to go my own way. Its a thin line....the wrestling match that goes on within me between my sinful nature and the Holy Spirit. I was listening to a message online from Northpoint Church, and it really spoke what i needed to hear. I have been so out of it. So far from where God desires me to be. And things keep happening in my life that I dont want to happen, or that I know arent right, and I wonder why. But it is then that I realize its a direct product of my distance from the Lord. But, this message, it was...good to hear to say the least. He talked about how the battle never goes away. No matter how much you grow in your faith, temptation will still be present. Your sinful nature will still have hold of you. Its literally a fight to the death. I needed to be reminded of that. Because I get so down on myself for succumbing to my sinfulness, and not that I shouldnt, but I begin to feel defeated when it happens, when I am not perfect. And I shouldnt. The fight will be raging my whole life. And, sure, I am gonna lose many battles, but the war has already been won. I am Christ's...He is my Savior. So, no matter how many times I fail, I have to remember that there are more fights to be fought, and if I keep sitting on my butt, pitying myself, and burying my head deeper and deeper into the darkness that sin pulls over me, then I am going to keep losing. And I dont like losing. It never goes away...the thin line never goes away. Sinful Nature and the Holy Spirit will always be raging within me, I just have to be more committed to fighting for the right cause instead of giving up so easily. Though I know how the war will end, it will be all the sweeter if there are many battles won along the way. So...I am gonna keep fighting.

I am very frustrated.

Frustrated with myself, with the situation...with it all. I went to the dance studio and just danced...and this is what came out. I feel it's really appropriate right now.

WGI

So, I just spent the last 4 days in Dayton, OH at World Championships...and it was wonderful. I got to see all of these amazing colorguards, and my guard competed as well! Not only did we perform in prelims, but we made it to FINALS! This was such a great accomplishment for us, as we placed 4th last year in our class and were consequently bumped up to our current class. The "Open class" where we were moved to is much more competitive and demanding, and our highest aspiration was to merely hold our own, and possibly make finals. My own personal goal was to make finals and not be in 15th place, the last ones in. Well, we accomplished ALL of these goals! We went into finals tied for 12th place! It ended with us in 13th, but who even cares! We had a great run of the show, and I can really find no reason to be upset about our placement. The only thing that kinda bummed me out was the fact that they changed the schedule up this year and had Independent guards go first in finals, from 10am-12pm, and the Scholastic guards go second from 12pm-2pm. There are less people there to watch your show in the morning, and I LOVE performing to a big crowd. But, oh well...there were still hundreds there. All in all...great week. UTTERLY EXHAUSTING, but great. I got 4 hours of sleep on Friday night and 3 hours on Saturday night...even though I slept over 12 hours last night, I still feel the need to catch up...so right now I am going to go take a nap. :-)

"Its a little bit funny....

this feeling inside"...okay so not to quote lyrics, like I so lamely did...but it is kinda funny how your relationship with God DIRECTLY correlates to who you spend your time with and how much you read his Word. I have found myself way less than satisfied with my closeness with the Lord lately, and I am reminded once again that it is ALL my fault. I make choices that dont glorify Him and then I make excuses for those choices, which I know is wrong...this guilt I feel consequently brings shame, inevitably bringing separation and distance from Him. I hate that it's all my fault. I would like to blame someone, but I cant. I know better. And sometimes I hate that I know better. I ashamedly admit that I have wished that I sometimes didnt know the Truth, so I wouldnt have to be held responsible for my actions. It would be so much easier sometimes if I didnt have to live in the Light. I always quickly recant my wish, but it does say something about the human condition. How hard it is. How hard it is to live as a Christian. He never said it would be easy, and I now realize why! Because it is NOT! I strive to live for the Lord, but sometimes mustering up the desire to live for Him is difficult. We all go through tough times, and I praise my Father for knowing me in and out and understanding that. But nevertheless, I have realized my relationship with the Lord is in my hands. It's that whole "free will" part of the bible. Where I have to decide to follow Him...no, like REALLY follow Him and stop just saying it. Ahh... sometimes song lyrics really do say it the best...


I have decided to follow Jesus...No turning back, no turning back.
Though I may wonder, I still will follow...No turning back, no turning back.
The world behind me, the cross before me...No turning back, no turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow...No turning back, no turning back.

A Broken Heart

And I dont even mean the figurative kind...haha! My Senior year in high school I started experiencing some heart irregularities. My heart will beat normally and then skip a beat...it happens sporadically during an episode with as many as 20 skips or as few as one or two. But I can feel it. I usually check my pulse in my neck and feel the blood pumping and then it stops and instead I feel the pulse in my chest as my heart squeezes and no blood is circulated. It doesnt hurt, but I feel it. I went to the doctor when it first happened almost four years ago. They referred me to a cardiologist, who did a stress test, echocardiogram, and gave me a heart monitor to wear for two weeks. The point was so that they could catch my heart during an irregularity and see what was wrong with it. As my luck would have it, it never malfunctioned while I had the monitor. So after reviewing my echo, and seeing nothing structurally wrong, they told me I must be fine. Well...I have continued having these, I dont know, episodes and this winterguard season they have gotten worse. My heart skips when I get my heart rate elevated. Not everytime, but often. It happens at least once a week, and once it happens it will happen several times that day. I decided to go back to the doctor and get re-referred to a cardio specialist. So thats what I am doing at 9:30am tomorrow. Going to see what the heck is wrong with my broken heart. Let's hope it is just as they said 4 years ago...nothing.

High Expectations

So...I have high expectations for men. Okay, not men. But my man...or the man that will be mine. There are things he must be...and truthfully, I cant compromise on them. I have guys all the time tell me how unrealistic I am...and not just any guys, but friends and even ex's I am quite close with. And sometimes I think they are right. Maybe I am asking too much of the male population. I mean, in truth, there are some things I used to think I wanted in a husband that I no longer find applicable or important...but that isnt because men failed to live up to my standards, but rather that I realized what was actually important and relevant.

Regardless of how I have changed, there are still things like a strong foundation in Christ and a willingness to be a leader in the relationship that I will always find non-negotiable. It's just so hard to find a guy who can step up and be those things. Finding someone who gets me-because it can be a little complex sometimes-and can make me laugh, and loves my family, and has a good heart is hard enough. But atop all of that, for them to have to meet these requirements that God has set before me, which I know full well will make for a stronger marriage, makes my job ALL the harder.

I am patient...a little restless...but patient waiting for him. I just need to stop hearing that he is fictional. A guy who loves the Lord, serves Him before me, gets me, loves me, and can care for me EXISTS. I know he does, so stop telling me he doesn't.