Army Wives

The title of my post is coincidentally (or maybe not so much) the title of my favorite television show. It is only recently that I feel I have become a true army wife. In the last month I have uprooted my life, given up my awesome job, left every bit of family and friends to move across the country for my husband (an army wife right of passage, I believe). It sounds like, and has been, a difficult step in our lives together... but God is great, and he rewards obedience. Since arriving in El Paso three weeks ago I have been blessed with a potential teaching job at a Christian school, a position teaching color guard, and friends who love Jesus. He is teaching me to trust in Him. If I will obey (i.e. move across the country and give up all my securities), he will take care of me. He didnt have to bless me with all of these things...BUT HE DID! And for that I say "PRAISE THE LORD". He is faithful and gives us infinitely more than we could imagine for ourselves. 

Life as I know it

Some days are okay...most days, really, I would characterize as just fine. But there are moments...awful, gut-wrenching moments, when I am consumed with missing him. I love him so strongly. When we were sixteen we broke up. I cried for years...not weeks, but yes, years. If I could count the number of nights I laid in bed crying over him, I would quickly recall it and share it with you so you could understand the magnitude of my feelings for him as a young teenage girl. I remember one night laying in my mom's bed after the break up, sobbing, telling her "I just love him so much. This hurts!". She just stroked my hair and said "I know". So strong were the feelings I had for him back then. And through the years...through all of our trials and obstacles, things that should have squelched that love into non-existence, I have managed to somehow love him even more. Something I thought impossible back then. So now, here I am. Back in my bed...crying over him again. Missing him everyday, praying the days fly by for his return. But now, my tears have hope because I know he will be back home soon. And I will be able to lay in his sweet, sweet arms in that very same bed I cried in so many nights. I am ready for that day.

Ahem. . . love is what now?

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud"

I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to make my love look like all of those things. I am one of the most impatient people I know, and I am certainly the jealous type. I need to give it to God. I cant love my husband like he deserves to be loved on my own. I need the Lord. I have to start submitting my will daily to Him, because without doing that my own distorted views of love creep in. God help me.

The Gym and Jesus

So a couple months back I hired a personal trainer. And while quite pricey, I am so glad I did! Motivation is always the thing I lack when working out. But with a personal trainer, you are pretty much forced to show up and give it your all, or else you are just throwing money down the drain. See, once I am at the gym doing stuff I am ALWAYS glad I went, but getting there is just so darn hard! I find the same to be true with my spiritual life sometimes...

I have recently started BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) with my mom and my sister. It is an intensive study of the Bible through fellowship with other women, prayer and self reflection, and most importantly the exploration of God's Word. I am finishing up week one and realizing how much I suck at reading my bible. It used to be such a habit; one I got into so securely I hardly had to "make myself" read my bible everyday (as I feel I do these days). But, over time, I noticed myself slowly slipping away from the Word. At first I tried to excuse it, saying life had just gotten busier, and that it wasn't a permanent change. But after so many excuses you begin to realize that you are fooling no one but yourself. So, I decided to join a BSF group to hold me accountable for my spiritual growth.

The truth of the matter is, I am no good at growing all by myself. But, see, God already knew that. Thats why he created the church. To be a support system. He knew we were co-dependent creatures who rely on socialization, and communication with others to flourish. So, he gave us community. A community to share love, life, laughter, and most of all the Lord. Now, this next week I will be placed in a group of women that I do not know. But another part of the gloriousness of the church is that we do not have to "know" each other to be a part of that community Christ gave us.

I don't always go to the gym, especially not when its just for me. But, you better believe when I know my trainer is going to be there, I show up! Just as I hired my personal trainer to get my butt to work out consistently, I am using BSF as a way to get my butt to the Word consistently. It takes people holding us accountable in life for us to grow. Perhaps I realized this first at the gym, but I am going to apply it now to my walk with Christ, and I know with the hard work I have put towards a healthier body, Christ will reward me with a healthier, growing spirit.

Life in the here and now

Its been two years and my, my how things have changed. I read a post I made in 2009 about my wanting to find a husband, but knowing the command was to rely on the Lord. I knew that the Lord was trying to teach me about dependence on Him and how not to be a planner of everything. How funny that is looking back now.

I found my husband! Hooray! But the lessons on dependence did not end. Neither did the patience that was being required of me. I am married to the love of my life. A man I knew I loved when I was 15 years old. A man I never thought the Lord would give me as a husband. I am so grateful, and overjoyed that the Lord saw fit to have me marry Nathaniel. But its like he gave me part of my reward before the work was done. Because, yes, I have a husband, a wonderful one at that, but in the time we have been married, 8 1/2 months, I have seen him for a cumulative 29 days. Not only that, but I wont see him again for another 4 months! So I now see the lessons God was teaching me years ago about trusting Him, and leaning on Him to sustain me, and having faith in Him to give me patience, were very worthwhile lessons. Not only is He still working on instilling them in me, but they are what keeps me going now.

Being an Army wife is something I never thought would happen to me. I say "happen" because I have never been able to fathom why a woman would choose this life. I always looked at those wives whose husbands would leave for a year at a time and think, "Awww, poor thing...why would she EVER marry a man in the military!?" I am admittedly too selfish for that. I want my husband home! I didn't marry a guy for him to leave me all the time. HA! Look at me now. But what I have come to realize is that not only am I stronger than I thought...but the Lord is so much wiser than I thought! Talk about the ultimate planner! He knew what life would bring me...thats why he made me exercise patience for all of those years. He knew there would be times when Nathaniel would have to leave, and so he was preparing me by teaching me reliance on Him. I look back on those ranting posts about being frustrated with the lessons I was being taught and not understanding why I needed to be taught them. I like to think God was cracking a little smile at me, knowing full well what he had prepared.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what

God has prepared for those who love him" - I Corinthians 2:9

I highlighted this verse and wrote this

note inmy bible no less than 4 years ago.

God always has a plan!

Lord, I wanna yearn for you

Its so hard, I have found, to drop all that I do and just focus on God. He has blessed me with such an ability to multi-task and do many things, but sometimes its difficult, especially in moments of worship, to drop all those things and focus solely on Him. My mind races with all of the things I do, going through lists of tasks needed to be accomplished, things I have already completed, worries for things to come that I forget to just worship.

I tell my girls that I teach colorguard to all the time that when they are at rehearsal that it is the ONLY thing in the world they have to worry about right then. They should drop all of their days worries and mishappenings, and focus solely on the flagwork, solely on the performance. It doesnt matter if your mom screamed at you, your boyfriend broke up with you, or if you and your best friend are fighting...ALL you have to worry about for the few hours you are at practice is spinning your flag. I always tell them this should be a relief...not to have to focus on anything else.

The same thing applies to spiritual life. God knows we have things going on, He knows we have lives...its the way He designed it, but when we come before Him we should drop it all and be fully in the moment. Fully engaged, fully surrendered to HIM! Why cant I take my own advice to my girls, and embrace the time with the Lord and drop everything else. He is the center, He is the core, He is what makes everything else work...so why dont I put more care into the thing that makes the whole sha-bang run? I just was struck with this tonight...I mean...I just dont get myself sometimes. My brain and my heart are in a constant struggle.

Anyway! All glory to the Lord who is more gracious than I deserve and more understanding than I can even know.

Sickness

I get sick A LOT! I was sick two weeks ago, and now I am beginning to get sick again. This is NOT cool....I have way too much of a life right now to be ill. BOO!

Finding him

It has been on my mind so much lately. Finding a husband. But not in the "freak-out, desperate girl" kind of way, but in the "I have no idea when God is going to bring him and thats frightening" kind of way. I know there is a lot I have left to do in terms of my relationship with the Lord before I get invested in a serious relationship. And by "left to do" I mean growth in the Father. I have a lot to learn and I know this. God is teaching me dependence on Him. I am not the best of students when it comes to God's lessons, however. I am a smarty pants in school, mostly A's....but if God gave me a grade on how well I have been relying on him for my happiness and relying on him for my fulfillment this past year...I would fail. And that still seems generous. I say I trust the Lord, but yet I continually find myself trying to think of a backup in case God "messes it up" and doesnt give me what I want out of life. How crazy am I? I cant imagine the life God has for me...He dreams such greater things for me than I do. So...I am learning to believe in that. Learning to trust in that. Learning to not try to plan my love life. Its hard, because I dont want to miss him...you know the man God has for me...but I really dont think God would let that happen. I am a controller...I like to be in charge...this is no surprise to those who know me. But, if I want to find happiness and fulfillment in this life, I have GOT to let go of these "plans" I have for how it will be. They only mess me up. Goodness...for all I know the Lord wants me to be single for the rest of my life...or the next ten years...that thought mortifies me, but I think God wants me to come to terms with the fact that I just DONT KNOW what he has got planned. If I can come to the place where being with the Lord is enough for me...then anything else will only be more icing on a perfectly iced cake. Ahh...God is trying to teach me...I just have to stop being a planner.

Life right now...

So its tough. I am seriously in a war right now. And I cant decide who with. Is it myself? Is it God? Is it Satan? I just know that the moment I start to draw close to the Lord, I get pulled away...or I drift away? Its so blurry, I cant even tell. I just know my true heart is after the Lord. And I get distracted by this world, and it frustrates me. It makes me angry at myself when I dont do what I know I should do, and I dont think like I know I should think. I find such joy in spending time with God, so what I dont understand is why I dont do it more often. Its not work. Or at least I shouldnt think of it that way. I have all of this time on my hands, being summer and all, and yet I am still so absent from quiet times with the Lord. WHY DO I DO THAT? What am I battling against. I know God wants me nearer to him...I know I want to be...so is it Satan? That feels like such a cop-out...to blame some outside force for my negligence...but I cant explain why I am being so stupid. I need to push through this time right now, because its honestly the hardest it has ever been to maintain a healthy, deep relationship with God...the relationship I WANT...I yearn for...I so deep down desire.

I dont want this... "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth". -Revelation 3:16

Lord, help me get out of my own way...because Satan is hardly a battle for you.

Pain

Oww, it really hurts. Like deep inside, pain. Why does it have to be like this? Why do I always have to go for the same guys. This is time number three where this has happened. I dont want to be hardened, but when it keeps happening, its hard not to be. My heart aches. More than it should....but it literally aches within me. There are so many reasons why that feeling should be gone, so many reasons he gave me not to care, but I still feel this way. Because when I care for someone, it isnt shallow, and conditional. DANG IT. Thats what sucks. When you love unconditionally, you get soooo hurt. Because humans arent perfect and they do crap to hurt you. Unconditional love doesnt care what your mind says...it just feels. I dont want to feel. I dont want to hurt. Losing a friend is the worst feeling. I wish I could simply not care. I wish it didnt matter. I wish I was shallow....but I am not. So my heart aches.

Costa rica

I am sitting in the computer lab in the university´s music dept. I go to rehearse with my accompanist in a few minutes because we have to perform in a recital on Friday afternoon. I mean...I would prefer not to...but I guess its part of coming down here. We are going to sightsee later this afternoon, which should be fun. Yesterday was exhausting. We got here at noon local time and went to the hotel, which was about 45 minutes from the airport. Then we walked through the university, which is literally RIGHT ACROSS THE CALLE from our hotel, to get to some food. We ate a late lunch at a little costa rican cafe. It was alright. I am all about trying new things, and I am really trying to use my spanish. So, I ordered a cheese quesadilla, which would have been great, if it didnt come with mayonaisse all over it. Haha...I hate that crap, btw. So I had to make do. The hotel is beautiful. There will be pictures later. Umm...all in all its been great so far. We went to a concert last night at the university of Latin Jazz...it was really impressive...but by 7pm when it started we had been going nonstop so we were all so tired. I went to bed at 9:30 local time...which means I had been up for about 19 hours. yikes. But it was good cause then I got up at 8am today...so yay for getting up early and not wanting to kill myself. Okay...thats all I got. More to come later

Words from the Lord

The battle is worth it. The battle is what makes the victory all the sweeter.

Recurring Nightmare

It happened again...ya know. The nightmare where I for SOME REASON decide to do drum corps again. Its not a dream, its a nightmare. Everyone always jokes with me about my time at drum corps and how I hated it so much. But its so much more than that. Sure, I loved doing colorguard, I will always love that, but it was something I cant even describe. The true feelings I had my last few weeks there are almost indescribable. It was a combination of feeling trapped and unable to control my own life, and just general unhappiness. I knew I couldnt quit. That was what was hardest. Knowing I hated something, but also knowing my responsibility to the group was more important than my own happiness. Thats why hurting my shoulder, as bad as it felt, was one of the best things that happened to me last summer. Sometimes I tell myself it wasnt so bad, because it wasnt terrible all of the time, but I just put on a brave front. I fooled myself into thinking I was loving it, when inside I was hating it. The feeling in my gut when I think about going back is so awful. Thats why last night was a nightmare. And as luck would have it, I slept for 12 hours, which WOULD HAVE BEEN LOVELY, if I werent having the awful, dreaded "Drum Corps" nightmare. And the whole time in the nightmare I was thinking "Why in the world did I let myself come back here? What was I thinking? I am trapped again!"Its just so indescribably awful. My last day of drum corps I spent laying on the floor of a dirty locker room in Florida crying, nay, SOBBING my eyes out knowing I needed to go home for my health, but not wanting to disappoint everyone there. It wasnt until I got hurt that I realized how miserable I was. When you are sitting on the sidelines you have a lot of time to think. I have never felt more pitiful and humiliated than I did that last day. I was begging, literally begging the staff for permission to leave....well not really permission, but more their blessing. Thats humbling. And the thing was I didnt even care at the time. I was so unhappy, I just had to get out. It was.... horrible. I have this nightmare at least 4 times since last July. I hate it more than anything.

I wanna so I will

I want things to be different...so I am gonna make them different. Why do I have to live with something I dont want to be true? I dont. I can change it. I can change how I feel. I can. I will.

It never goes away

"What's goin on inside of me? I despise my own behavior. This only serves to confirm my suspicions that I'm still a man in need of a Savior"

Thank you DC Talk. It's funny when you realize that someone has written just what you are feeling...it shows me that I am not alone. Its a struggle. My relationship with the Lord is a struggle. Its hard to keep it up. To continue following him when I want to go my own way. Its a thin line....the wrestling match that goes on within me between my sinful nature and the Holy Spirit. I was listening to a message online from Northpoint Church, and it really spoke what i needed to hear. I have been so out of it. So far from where God desires me to be. And things keep happening in my life that I dont want to happen, or that I know arent right, and I wonder why. But it is then that I realize its a direct product of my distance from the Lord. But, this message, it was...good to hear to say the least. He talked about how the battle never goes away. No matter how much you grow in your faith, temptation will still be present. Your sinful nature will still have hold of you. Its literally a fight to the death. I needed to be reminded of that. Because I get so down on myself for succumbing to my sinfulness, and not that I shouldnt, but I begin to feel defeated when it happens, when I am not perfect. And I shouldnt. The fight will be raging my whole life. And, sure, I am gonna lose many battles, but the war has already been won. I am Christ's...He is my Savior. So, no matter how many times I fail, I have to remember that there are more fights to be fought, and if I keep sitting on my butt, pitying myself, and burying my head deeper and deeper into the darkness that sin pulls over me, then I am going to keep losing. And I dont like losing. It never goes away...the thin line never goes away. Sinful Nature and the Holy Spirit will always be raging within me, I just have to be more committed to fighting for the right cause instead of giving up so easily. Though I know how the war will end, it will be all the sweeter if there are many battles won along the way. So...I am gonna keep fighting.

I am very frustrated.

Frustrated with myself, with the situation...with it all. I went to the dance studio and just danced...and this is what came out. I feel it's really appropriate right now.

WGI

So, I just spent the last 4 days in Dayton, OH at World Championships...and it was wonderful. I got to see all of these amazing colorguards, and my guard competed as well! Not only did we perform in prelims, but we made it to FINALS! This was such a great accomplishment for us, as we placed 4th last year in our class and were consequently bumped up to our current class. The "Open class" where we were moved to is much more competitive and demanding, and our highest aspiration was to merely hold our own, and possibly make finals. My own personal goal was to make finals and not be in 15th place, the last ones in. Well, we accomplished ALL of these goals! We went into finals tied for 12th place! It ended with us in 13th, but who even cares! We had a great run of the show, and I can really find no reason to be upset about our placement. The only thing that kinda bummed me out was the fact that they changed the schedule up this year and had Independent guards go first in finals, from 10am-12pm, and the Scholastic guards go second from 12pm-2pm. There are less people there to watch your show in the morning, and I LOVE performing to a big crowd. But, oh well...there were still hundreds there. All in all...great week. UTTERLY EXHAUSTING, but great. I got 4 hours of sleep on Friday night and 3 hours on Saturday night...even though I slept over 12 hours last night, I still feel the need to catch up...so right now I am going to go take a nap. :-)

"Its a little bit funny....

this feeling inside"...okay so not to quote lyrics, like I so lamely did...but it is kinda funny how your relationship with God DIRECTLY correlates to who you spend your time with and how much you read his Word. I have found myself way less than satisfied with my closeness with the Lord lately, and I am reminded once again that it is ALL my fault. I make choices that dont glorify Him and then I make excuses for those choices, which I know is wrong...this guilt I feel consequently brings shame, inevitably bringing separation and distance from Him. I hate that it's all my fault. I would like to blame someone, but I cant. I know better. And sometimes I hate that I know better. I ashamedly admit that I have wished that I sometimes didnt know the Truth, so I wouldnt have to be held responsible for my actions. It would be so much easier sometimes if I didnt have to live in the Light. I always quickly recant my wish, but it does say something about the human condition. How hard it is. How hard it is to live as a Christian. He never said it would be easy, and I now realize why! Because it is NOT! I strive to live for the Lord, but sometimes mustering up the desire to live for Him is difficult. We all go through tough times, and I praise my Father for knowing me in and out and understanding that. But nevertheless, I have realized my relationship with the Lord is in my hands. It's that whole "free will" part of the bible. Where I have to decide to follow Him...no, like REALLY follow Him and stop just saying it. Ahh... sometimes song lyrics really do say it the best...


I have decided to follow Jesus...No turning back, no turning back.
Though I may wonder, I still will follow...No turning back, no turning back.
The world behind me, the cross before me...No turning back, no turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow...No turning back, no turning back.

A Broken Heart

And I dont even mean the figurative kind...haha! My Senior year in high school I started experiencing some heart irregularities. My heart will beat normally and then skip a beat...it happens sporadically during an episode with as many as 20 skips or as few as one or two. But I can feel it. I usually check my pulse in my neck and feel the blood pumping and then it stops and instead I feel the pulse in my chest as my heart squeezes and no blood is circulated. It doesnt hurt, but I feel it. I went to the doctor when it first happened almost four years ago. They referred me to a cardiologist, who did a stress test, echocardiogram, and gave me a heart monitor to wear for two weeks. The point was so that they could catch my heart during an irregularity and see what was wrong with it. As my luck would have it, it never malfunctioned while I had the monitor. So after reviewing my echo, and seeing nothing structurally wrong, they told me I must be fine. Well...I have continued having these, I dont know, episodes and this winterguard season they have gotten worse. My heart skips when I get my heart rate elevated. Not everytime, but often. It happens at least once a week, and once it happens it will happen several times that day. I decided to go back to the doctor and get re-referred to a cardio specialist. So thats what I am doing at 9:30am tomorrow. Going to see what the heck is wrong with my broken heart. Let's hope it is just as they said 4 years ago...nothing.

High Expectations

So...I have high expectations for men. Okay, not men. But my man...or the man that will be mine. There are things he must be...and truthfully, I cant compromise on them. I have guys all the time tell me how unrealistic I am...and not just any guys, but friends and even ex's I am quite close with. And sometimes I think they are right. Maybe I am asking too much of the male population. I mean, in truth, there are some things I used to think I wanted in a husband that I no longer find applicable or important...but that isnt because men failed to live up to my standards, but rather that I realized what was actually important and relevant.

Regardless of how I have changed, there are still things like a strong foundation in Christ and a willingness to be a leader in the relationship that I will always find non-negotiable. It's just so hard to find a guy who can step up and be those things. Finding someone who gets me-because it can be a little complex sometimes-and can make me laugh, and loves my family, and has a good heart is hard enough. But atop all of that, for them to have to meet these requirements that God has set before me, which I know full well will make for a stronger marriage, makes my job ALL the harder.

I am patient...a little restless...but patient waiting for him. I just need to stop hearing that he is fictional. A guy who loves the Lord, serves Him before me, gets me, loves me, and can care for me EXISTS. I know he does, so stop telling me he doesn't.